Feelings of defeat

Well it's not overly surprising that I am feeling this way. I've been struggling for a long time with what to do with myself in the massage therapy program. After 1st term (level 100), I realized that massage therapy wasn't the career for me... however being a dula had spiked my interest and being an RMT would hugely benefit me as a dula. The knowledge that RMTs have is amazing and that was something I thought would be useful. So I continued on with the program.
Level 200 was a struggle... I was never fully able to get back into the routine of school (though I still managed to not have a life or see any of my friends). I kinda flew by the seat of my pants and am damn impressed at what I remembered without studying. Finals broke me down without me really realizing it. I mean I knew I was burnt out and couldn't manage to study but I'd felt like that before at the end of Level 100 finals and still managed to sit myself down in a corner and not let myself out until I did at least an hour. This time around it wasn't that easy... plus I didn't really care so I didn't push myself as hard.
Now I'm in level 300... still not able to get back into it and I don't want to fly by the seat of my pants again. I'm not one to half ass things and I definitely don't want to half ass this. I did some serious thinking and realized that I have to get through this program as it would be a good stepping stone - though it seems more like a stepping mountain... and I think that's what the problem is.
I knew that if I were to take a term off, I wouldn't come back. This program is abuse to both the physical and emotional being and it's not something I ever want to put myself through. So really the only solution is to push through and hope that I can make it.
If I fully invest myself, I am going to (and have) turn(ed) into a really unpleasant person to be around. I am constantly tired, grouchy and hungry. I am SO unmotivated it disgusts me! But I think this is my body fighting back... I don't know but it seems to be part of the person I've become (and I'm not overly impressed). I seriously contemplated moving out, that way I could have my own space and I could be grouchy without bothering anyone (plus I really need my own space, I am feeling suffocated at home, but that might just be because of renovations)... but that was only met with resistance (and possibly bitterness) from my parents. Yep I understand I am broke ass.... BUT I believe my sanity is worth quite a bit and I am already going to be in debt so fuck it what's an extra few thousand? Then again there's got to be an other solution so how can I change this?
Yesterday after talking to Paul and then again to Mum, I had an idea... After about week 8 of level 300, we finish up with some classes and start up three new ones. I could not take the new ones and slowly finish with level 300... then while my class moves up to level 400, I will stay back and finish the three classes that I would have missed. This way I am not taking any time off, I am just going to school part time (and will work part time as well because mr. piggy bank is pretty skinny). It's a thought I am going to run by the dean of the program today. Well I am going to set up an appointment time anyways... So we'll see if perhaps all of this can change... maybe I'll feel better after this... If not there's always the hockey game (Canucks vs Ducks 7pm).