Why?

An other damned anxiety attack. This time I didn't run to the kitchen but jumped out of bed and looked at my bed as if what ever was giving me anxiety would be laying there. Dasha and Stephane were awake so they kept me company for a bit but they've gone to bed now. Unfortunately the feeling hasn't gone to bed and I'm keeping myself awake because as soon as I fall asleep it comes back. Each time there's always some thing that I get anxiety over. This time it was because I couldn't salsa dance with all the world. Weird and unreasonable but for some reason it brings up anxiety. Just typing that out and I've started to sweat again and my breathing's become more shallow and rapid. It's SO strange!
Anyways I've blogged about it before and it looks like my last anxiety was in July so I guess that's good. Though I am sure I had some during board exams as well. I'll keep blogging about them to see if there's a pattern. So far, it doesn't look like it, but we'll see.

I'm not dead... I'm actually a year older

Well 20 some odd days older since my last post but I did just celebrate my 24th birthday :)
So yes. I am not dead. I've been consistently working away at two jobs (which keep me rather busy, most often working 7 days a week) and trying to balance out my life now that the dust is settling.
It's taken a while for the dust to settle though. I think I was affected by both failing my board exam and what ever we want to call what would have happened with Cesare (the Italian boy). I found myself constantly wanting to go away and even toyed with the idea of moving to Hawaii for a year. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on the perspective), I've got the finances of a newly graduated student so flying off to paradise to live for a while couldn't happen like that. So here I am. Still in Vancouver, trying to find this fine balance.
Work is picking up and I think I'm finally starting to have a somewhat predictable pay cheque... this kind of makes me want to drop my 2nd job (its purpose was to give me a steady pay cheque when job #1 wasn't busy). With only having one job, I'd be able to have more time to study for board exams take II. I also might have time to clean my room (right now there's a path that goes from my bedroom door to my bed and there are little clearings here and there for me to stand, tip toed, to reach my closet/couch/drawers if I need something that isn't on the floor) or to clean my study space (I think my lap could use a break from being radiated by my lap top).
Though out all this, I've been able to go to the gym consistently (I've lost 4' around my ribcage! Unfortunately, that was the only base measure I had and that's only because of bra size) and I've kept up with my salsa dancing lessons. I've found that the perfect gym time consists of half an hour to an hour of cardio, an hour of weights/squats etc, twenty minutes to half an hour of salsa dancing practice and finish with fifteen minutes of stretching. The girls and I have also gotten in a wonderful routine of meeting up on Friday nights for drinks, dinner, and/or dancing. Last week, we celebrated mine and Maja's birthday on Saturday and had an absolute blast! This Saturday we're all dressing up for Halloween and going dancing :)
Now even with all that, I've managed to go to dinner with a couple of guys... though I can't say I'd call these dates (or maybe they are). This is when I realized that I was a lot more affected by the Italian Boy then I would have hoped. I didn't find this out on my own. I was actually waiting for one of the guys when my girl friend Margaret called and when she asked me how I felt about this guy, I kind of hummed and hawed and said that I wasn't too sure. But then I stopped and thought about it and realized that I had no reason to feel iffy about said date and realized that I was kiboshing my 'dates' before they even got off the ground. Margaret reminded me that my last romantic situation (or what ever those last escapades should be called), I felt quite confident that everything was going to work out (so much so that I bought a ticket for Italy) but then he just vamoosed! So it's understandable that I have to learn to trust my feelings again. The dinner did go well. We closed down the restaurant and had great conversation. We even met up a couple days later and went dancing... but it petered out after that.
As for what happened to the Italian boy... After I canceled my tickets, I didn't e-mail him or anything. I figured that was that. End of story. But one day, I get a panicked phone call from Maja. She's on fbook chat and Cesare sent her a message saying hello and asking how she was. The plan, to talk to Cesare and see if he mentions anything about why he ran off. Eventually he mentions that he became scared and that's why he fell off the face of the earth. Not much else came from that conversation other then Maja telling him that it would probably be a good idea for him to contact me and at least apologize. He said he wants to but needs time (what ever that means). Still, I've received nothing. I sent him a last message a couple months back saying that it was unfortunate that our communication ended the way it did but I still look back on my trip to Hawaii and our time spent together with great fondness. I wished him well and left it at that. So essentially, nothing much has happened to the Italian boy but in case some people were wondering... that's the latest (and most likely the last). Yes, while celebrating my birthday the thought did cross my mind that I could have been in Milan. And yes, I guess it hurt. But here I am trying to find the careful balance between work, play and studying for this damn exam.

2nd grade math equation

Janelle goes outside to pick crab apples and realizes she's locked herself out of her house. Because she can't get back in and is bored, she decides to count the apples. Janelle has 192 apples. Janelle then gets bored and eats 4 apples. How many apples are left?

True story! :) My brother and I were recapping our day and he said my adventure sounded like a 2nd grade mathematical equation. But maybe you just had to be there :)

You know what I've discovered?

Well we all know I am a people person and that's one of the reasons why I chose to be a massage therapist... however, here's something I didn't think of. While it's true that being a massage therapist you work in close (very close) proximity to people, you really don't get to interact with them much. I mean you greet them, do a short case history, then they're on the table, then they're gone, change sheets, tidy room, repeat. Despite being a talkative person and a people person, I encourage my clients to relax and not talk while on the table. So this means that even though I am in the presence of people during most of my shift, I definitely don't interact with them much. The challenge of getting them to fall asleep has already gotten old. As has the guessing game of 'has their breath changed so that they're sleeping, or is that just relaxed breathing etc etc'.
Ah well. At least I enjoy the company of my coworkers... unfortunately we only see one an other when we're restocking our rooms or checking the schedule to see who our next client is.

I'm like the Canucks...

I'll have to try again next year to win the Stanley Cup*. That's a twisted way of saying. I failed my board exam.

All of my friends got their letters yesterday and they all passed!!! A great huge congrats to Pam and Maja who passed their board exams. Being I didn't get a letter yesterday, I knew the letter would arrive today. I was at work from 9:30 until 2:30 today so I sent a text message to my brother asking him to call me when he got home from class. I love my little bro to bits and I thought that it would be something special to share my success (I was pretty sure I'd passed... everyone else had) or my failure with him. By the time he was back home, it was past 2:30 and I was on the seawall with a warm cup of chai tea in my hand. The day was stunning! I decided to enjoy it and walk from work to the market via the seawall and enjoy this beautiful day. The sky was clear blue with a few whispy clouds, the air was crisp, the mountains were clear and from where I was walking I had a clear view of Stanley Park and downtown Vancouver both basking in the sunshine of this beautiful fall day. If I was home to read the letter and I passed, I'd just want to go outside. If I failed... being outside would be good for me because inside I'd probably hole up and mope.
So I was just past Kits beach when I called my brother back. We talked a bit while he opened the letter and then he read it out to me. I forget the actual wording but basically I am not eligible to register at this time because I was unsuccessful at the oral practical portion of the board exam. Oh well that's not quite what I was expecting! Steph and I talked a bit. I am sure I blabbered on but I didn't cry. I wasn't really upset. I was glad I did what I did and I was glad I could share this moment with my brother (even if it was over the phone). While we were talking, I thought to myself: 'has anything changed from when you first got on the phone?' The answer to that was no. The day was just as bright and beautiful. The mountains as clear and the leaves were still changing in the park. The smell of my chai tea still gave me a feeling of warmth despite the cold and I was happy to have such an awesome brother who would actually read out such a letter.
Yes. I did fail. However I was still where I was before and I was still happy. I wrapped up my conversation with my brother so I could text message the girls, call Mom, then Dad before my phone died (it had been beeping that it was low on battery all shift... so it didn't have much oomph left). I managed to get all the messages out. I got a surprised text from Darla and I told her I wasn't joking. A phone call from Pam and then my phone died. I called Mom from a payphone. I was glad my cellphone was dead. I didn't want to talk to anyone. The rest of my walk was in peace and it was beautiful. I had thoughts running though my head but none of dread or anything like that. I was more upset that I had to do the darn exam again.
By the time I arrived at the market, the music from the buskers coaxed board exam thoughts out of my head and all I could think of was how much I love being at the market. Corn stalks, pumpkins and fall decorations are already for sale and the lovely man playing guitar was smiling at me. I walk into the market and I see the beautiful flower arrangements. I promise to myself that I am going to buy myself flowers after I pick up the ingredients for tonight's dinner (Bohemian Rye Bread and Wild rice and cranberry soup... both made from scratch, by hand by me :) the perfect fall dinner).
Thoughts of board exams and my failing it weaved in an out of my head but really, I was all too happy to be at Granville market. Here I was, alone on such a beautiful day. I was surrounded by fresh ingredients, so many food possibilities! It's really quite exciting. I left the market with my loot and made my way home. I think the greatest disappointment of the day was no me failing my board exams but being half way home and realizing that I forgot to buy myself flowers!
Once home, I deliberately didn't check my phone. Marguerite called and said she was at my place :) We talked about my board exam a little but mostly we caught up. We cooked but she had to leave before the bread was ready (I just took it out of the oven at 11:30pm... apparently Bohemians had a lot of time on their hands because this takes a long time) and before the soup was done.
It was only after she left that I checked my voice mail and I had three messages. The first from Heidi made me cry. The second, from Annette, and the third from Margaret kept me crying. The huge outpouring of love was what really touched me. I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. So yes, I did fail my board exam but I get to try my luck again January 13th 2010. Hopefully I'll be more successful at passing my board examination then the Canucks are at winning the Stanley Cup.

*This comparison to the Canucks and the Stanley Cup stems from my phone call with Uncle Steve (in regards to me not passing). I liked the comparison even though it's not entirely accurate :)

Frusterated

It's just one of those days. I feel like Eeyore with an upset tummy and cramps. Normally I'm a patient person but today, while at work, there was this little yappy dog barking away and I daydreamed about throwing it into 4th ave rush hour traffic. I didn't. Nor would I ever. But still, the thought crossed my mind. I also only have pleasant customers and if they're not pleasant, at least they're not unpleasant but today all the grouchy people came in to the store. Maybe it's the weather because some of my friends have mentioned that they've felt the same way as well.
I kind of feel like I am heading in the wrong direction. I am working really hard at two jobs. One which I love and the other which is stressing me out and isn't paying much (which makes me wonder why I am letting it affect me... or even why I am still there). Every paycheque goes to paying down debt and contributing towards an upcoming trip. Now with the news of me moving out (most likely by mid month to beginning of next) that's added expenses. Birthdays are coming up soon (not complaining, just saying... plus I love treating those that I love and the Birthdays coming up happen to be that of my Mom's, Uncle Steve, Dad's, Brother and Auntie Marcy... yep... I love all of them :) to bits!) and next thing I know it'll be Christmas. If I pass my board examinations I'll have registration fees and insurance to buy... not to mention student loans have to start to be paid back soon. Anyways life is never short of expenses and I know that but it just seems like this trip might be a little silly. Maybe I should focus on settling a little here in Vancouver before I run off again. Maybe travel should wait. I can't possibly do everything!
The girls mentioned that we should all go to Whistler for Maja and I's birthday (we're born a year and a day apart) and though I think it's a great idea, I politely said no thanks because that's money I could be putting towards Asia. Though Asia will be awesome, I think I need to get my priorities straight. I realized this more so this weekend when we all went out and partied together. I think I should ground myself at the job I love and with the one that's not so hot... I should find something that will be a better fit.
I've also sacrificed my health so I could use that money for my trip. Which is stupid because now I am in pain and miserable because my body is all askew. With a body all askew, I'm a pretty useless therapist and I'd definitely be a miserable traveler.
So perhaps I should just stay here and ground myself. But then again part of me (and quite a big part at that) just wants to travel. Asia (or the rest of the world for that matter) isn't going anywhere. But then again, the opportunity of traveling with my cousin might not be there again. Maybe I should just go back to Hawaii.

Life's little questions

Why is it that when you're drunk, it's completely ok to make out with random guys and use 'i was drunk' as an excuse. But then when you're drunk, meet a guy, gradually sober up and then want to make out with him, it's not ok because then you're sober and 'i was drunk an hour ago' doesn't work as an excuse. And because now, you're sober and you no longer have the stones to just plant him one.

Just one of life's little questions.

*I haven't gotten my exam results back yet. Apparently they're going to be mailed this coming Wednesday or Thursday... so it's going to be a while still.