Monday Afternoons

Well I am glad to say that it's 9:30pm and I have finished both assignments! Ok so I am still getting my last one proof read and I still have to do the synopsis... but that's not too bad considering I've procrastinated so much.
My afternoon went well, I did nothing in late morning (well I did laundry and tidied up a bit) and then had a nap... because doing nothing is very tiring. Then I got up, had a shower and started on my assignments.
My naturopath appointment went well. Being Justin isn't my 4th year Dr anymore (or dr in training...)... I've got a new one, his name is Rick. Friz is still my 3rd year Dr so that doesn't make for too much change. It's kinda awkward having two male naturopaths but I try to not let it get to me. I think what was even more awkward was that I saw my teacher Sanjay walking around. I guess he was the clinic supervisor for that shift. There are two clinic shift supervisors so I am hoping that it was the other one that signed off on my file. I don't particularly want my teacher knowing everything about my health... well and if he does would it really matter... I guess not.
Hmm well dad finished with my essay and well it turns out that I didn't talk enough about how I communicated with my guest, therefore missed the whole point of the essay. Oh well fuck it! I'm gonna correct the few spelling mistakes that there are and hand it in. I am disappointed cuz I felt like I did a good job :( The synopsis can wait until tomorrow... I can fuck that up then. BAH!

School, Bowen and Hockey sounds like a good balance to me

Long time no write... things have been go go going which... well is good I guess. I seem to be going in the right direction and it's sunny so I've been feeling a little better these days.
Friday I had my meeting with the Dean and that went well. He said that he thinks it would be a good idea (splitting up my level 300) and all I had to do was put together a schedule and a letter with my request, then send it to him and he'll send it to Jacq, who's in charge of student loans and things like that. So that's today's project (along with my assignments and studying). I'm pretty stoked about that... though I feel uncertain now. It seems all too easy.
On Friday during clinic, I had a guest that is a writer for a magazine and she was booked in with me. That makes two people that was specifically booked in with me. So I guess I am doing something right and am better at this whole thing then I think I am. Well see, I know I'm pretty good at what I do but my heart's just not into it... you can only really fake that for so long and that's probably why I am so drained. It's like a tug of war in my head and heart... I feel like I am faking it all (being so enthused about this program and massage therapy is general) but yet sometimes I really enjoy it. Maybe I'm in a slump. I don't know... it's just this big mish mash and I don't really know what do make of it.
I also got my marks back for level 200 and I managed to pull an average of 82% which is fucking amazing considering what a slump I was/am in! Then again I did have three classes where I was between 75 and 76% which isn't too cool. Yet I had two classes (one of which was therapeutic exercises... this was the big surprise) where I got 91 and 94%. And my three other classes I was between 81 and 87%. So marks wise it looks like I am doing darn well as well. Sure the Dean wants me at 88 or 89% and that would be awesome... but in the end they won't look at your final grades, just whether you passed or failed. I dunno going part time might be a good thing... maybe I'll straighten things out.
Yesterday I went to Bowen with Paul and Teako. We had such a gorgeous day! The sun was out and it was actually warmish (well in the sun and when it wasn't windy). It's so easy to hang out with Paul... I really appreciate not having to explain how "Paul and I are doing" or "how I'm dealing with the break up."... That's the only thing I dislike about hanging with other people. I know they mean well but enough with the Paul and I talk. We're done as a couple yet we're working on being friends. So far it seems pretty positive. And no, I'm not in denial. I am just dealing with it in an adult manner and not being over dramatic or stupid about it.
I've got to start going to Bowen more often. Maybe it can be a weekend thing. The ferry over is only $7.50 so that's pretty reasonable. It's so quiet and peaceful I love it. Plus if I go and I have no one to talk to, I'll be even quieter (I'm really chatty... :S ).
Anyways Paul and I watched the hockey game (which we lost... boo) but ended up both falling asleep during 2nd period only to wake up in 3rd and we were losing. Not cool! We then watched "Little people Big world"... probably the most pointless show but a while ago, while Paul and I were still dating... I don't know what we were doing but we ended up watching a Little people big world marathon and we were actually interested... it's one of those things that are so pointless but you gotta keep watching! Anyways so we did that for a while then we had a mini road trip to Squamish to get frosties at Wendy's. I got home at 1am completely exhausted. Now after a good nights sleep here I am.
(www.campmoombayogathon.com) and I've had breakfast. I am looking forward to the So far today I've registered for the Camp Moomba YogathonYogathon. I really enjoy yoga and I need to do more of it. The energy at this event should be something else! Plus it'll be a good place to thank my body for everything that it's put up with lately. I'm very grateful because I haven't been sick (and I've felt it coming on for about a week now but I'm fighting). More pople should be thanking their bodies for everything they do for us. Our bodies are in such a delicate balance and most of us are challenging our bodies every day with different stressors and still we remain sane and healthy (well some of us anyways). So I think it's something to be very grateful of.
Now I really have to get started on my assignment (which I've managed to procrastinate until the day before it's due... way to go me) and study.

"It's deep how you can be so shallow" I picked this up on someone's conversation on the ferry yesterday and I thought it was well put...

Restructuring?

A month or so ago, the three classes that made up our school wrote a letter to the Dean requesting two weeks off between levels instead of the one that we have now.
Today the Dean of the program and the head administrator guy called a meeting for everyone in the program (we are now four classes). The good news: our two week break request was accepted! The bad news... well there wasn't any really... We just opened a can of worms.
You see the thing is that with our program, after we graduate, we have the option of going on to do a bachelors in health science if we'd like. Now when we started this program, we were told that it was just a year in order to get our bachelors. The administrator guy called Thompson Rivers University (that's who we'd do our bachelors with, not with Utopia) and he was told that we'd get a total of approximately 57 credits for our program (therefore it would take us two years to get our bachelors). This is stupid because the other massage program gets 84. Here's where we got fucked over (this might just be a temporary fucking though)... our program is condensed... so instead of going to school for 3 years, we are going to school for 2 and still get three thousand hours of education. So they don't count the hours but the years! Anyways that's just not cool!
So the Dean and the administrator came up with a solution. They would lengthen our program (here I was thinking... YAY time off!!). So they showed us what our terms would look like. They would all lengthen by 3 weeks and we'd get two weeks break between levels (NO! that was my answer... I am not letting them drag on the program without more time off!). So then he shows us an other slide of a breakdown of one term. Our first week would be English (which is necessary to have in order to get your bachelors, we don't have that now), then we'd have our weeks as normal except that... before our mid terms and before our finals we'd have a week off. So really the schooling is the same amount plus English and plus two weeks off - as reading weeks - and then our regular two week break between levels. This would lengthen the program enough to give us at least 84 credits... Yes yes yes yes yes! was all I could keep on thinking! Hell that would allow me to catch up! I might even be able to be sane again. Oh I hardly remember what that feels like! Fuck credits... they're just a bonus at this point!
Here's the catch... the whole school has to agree. Including the class that is 4 days old (they are too green to know how intense this program is). So we have a week to sleep on it and then we're going to address it again.
I don't know how that's going to pan out. Some people were obviously upset about this... I won't comment on that other then to say:
When I started the program I was told over and over and over again that massage therapy is NOT an easy program at all! I figured "Bah! You are all pussies and I'll show you how to rock this program!" Stupid or stubborn... I don't know but needless to say I was rocked by the program. It broke me down like nothing ever could. And it's not only me... we were 10 people in the class when the program stared and now we're 5 with rumors going around that 3 people are going to take a term off - either this one or next. That leaves what? Two people? Hmm so it looks like it's not just me. It's happened in the other class as well. Their class shrunk, so now they are all taking a term off and then merging with ours in August.
Anyways we'll see where this all goes. I'm still meeting with the Dean tomorrow about my thoughts on my own issues. I am not too sure if the change were to take place if I would still go to school part time. It's all a little too new... so I'll have to sleep on it.
In other news... the main street bus (the bus I take every day to go to and from school) smelt like wet homeless person... there are more and more hot bus drivers :)... my iPod has a clock function... my iPod has games - this should make busing more interesting... I passed both my quizzes and I found out that Josh Groban is coming to town in August (I am SO going!).

My Canuck Fanness

My Uncle Steve was the first one to bring me to a hockey game and though I'd like to say I was hooked then... I wasn't. Actually I was quite afraid of the blaring horn every time someone would score. I even feared going to a hockey game because of that. Now I am glad that I went and I am proud to say that my Uncle Steve brought me to those games :)
My brother, on the other hand, was a Canuck fan even when he was a little kid. I remember Uncle Steve (who is a Canuck fan... mum and dad arn't so much... so we get our sports knowledge from Uncle Steve) getting him boxes of old hockey cards and we'd spend hours organizing them into teams, separating them into conferences (not divisions because they weren't in place yet) and then putting them in binders.
It wasn't until I dated Matt in 2002 that I started to watch the game. After much explaining on his behalf I started to understand the rules, figure out who the players were and actually enjoy the game! I've been following the games since then :) Last year, Celine and I both got t-shirts that read "Canucks girl" on them. We went to several bars to watch the game together (and her boyfriend or mine would be there as well... Scott is a huge fan as well). It was good times to go watch the games with her. It was also awesome to watch her get all angry (as french people from France do) when the Canucks weren't in top form. Now she's in Montreal and we can't watch the games together anymore :(
Paul was very brave and bought me tickets for Christmas to go watch the Canucks. I don't know too many boyfriends that would do that (or too many girlfriends that wouldn't get offended)... so we went and watched the Canucks vs Panthers and was that ever an exciting game :) I had a really good time (thanks Paul). It was good to go with Paul as well because we watched quite a few games together (though I don't think he took into account... or even knew that I was a slight bit more vocal when I was AT the game).
Now today's an other day that goes down in my Canuck fan history... I bought my first ever jersey! I was somewhat waiting to get one for my birthday or Christmas but I came to the realization that I wouldn't get one because I'm a girl... and girls don't get jerseys for their birthday or Christmas. I love my jersey! I even got Taylor Pyatt's last name and number printed on it. It had to be custom printed because no one really wants a Pyatt jersey (or that is what they told me)... He's still my fave player :) I think he's gonna go far.
Anyways game starts at 7 :) Canucks vs Ducks... I best get at least an hour of studying in... two quizzes tomorrow. Oh and I made an appointment with the dean for Friday at noon... we'll see what that brings.

Feelings of defeat

Well it's not overly surprising that I am feeling this way. I've been struggling for a long time with what to do with myself in the massage therapy program. After 1st term (level 100), I realized that massage therapy wasn't the career for me... however being a dula had spiked my interest and being an RMT would hugely benefit me as a dula. The knowledge that RMTs have is amazing and that was something I thought would be useful. So I continued on with the program.
Level 200 was a struggle... I was never fully able to get back into the routine of school (though I still managed to not have a life or see any of my friends). I kinda flew by the seat of my pants and am damn impressed at what I remembered without studying. Finals broke me down without me really realizing it. I mean I knew I was burnt out and couldn't manage to study but I'd felt like that before at the end of Level 100 finals and still managed to sit myself down in a corner and not let myself out until I did at least an hour. This time around it wasn't that easy... plus I didn't really care so I didn't push myself as hard.
Now I'm in level 300... still not able to get back into it and I don't want to fly by the seat of my pants again. I'm not one to half ass things and I definitely don't want to half ass this. I did some serious thinking and realized that I have to get through this program as it would be a good stepping stone - though it seems more like a stepping mountain... and I think that's what the problem is.
I knew that if I were to take a term off, I wouldn't come back. This program is abuse to both the physical and emotional being and it's not something I ever want to put myself through. So really the only solution is to push through and hope that I can make it.
If I fully invest myself, I am going to (and have) turn(ed) into a really unpleasant person to be around. I am constantly tired, grouchy and hungry. I am SO unmotivated it disgusts me! But I think this is my body fighting back... I don't know but it seems to be part of the person I've become (and I'm not overly impressed). I seriously contemplated moving out, that way I could have my own space and I could be grouchy without bothering anyone (plus I really need my own space, I am feeling suffocated at home, but that might just be because of renovations)... but that was only met with resistance (and possibly bitterness) from my parents. Yep I understand I am broke ass.... BUT I believe my sanity is worth quite a bit and I am already going to be in debt so fuck it what's an extra few thousand? Then again there's got to be an other solution so how can I change this?
Yesterday after talking to Paul and then again to Mum, I had an idea... After about week 8 of level 300, we finish up with some classes and start up three new ones. I could not take the new ones and slowly finish with level 300... then while my class moves up to level 400, I will stay back and finish the three classes that I would have missed. This way I am not taking any time off, I am just going to school part time (and will work part time as well because mr. piggy bank is pretty skinny). It's a thought I am going to run by the dean of the program today. Well I am going to set up an appointment time anyways... So we'll see if perhaps all of this can change... maybe I'll feel better after this... If not there's always the hockey game (Canucks vs Ducks 7pm).

WE WON WE WON!

We WON!!! After losing a 2 game lead we fucking ROCKED tonight! Well we rocked the last two periods and that is what counted! It was awesome cuz I got to watch the game with my bro! It was also an ego boost for the boys that the Stars goalie was pulled and we managed to get two empty netters! Now we battle the ducks and we're going to cook them!

Special mention goes to Luongo who's by far MVP! He was also a sweetie and gave his stick to a girl in the stands.

Pan American diving trials

Well after a morning of laundry and cleaning (no homework... yay procrastination!) I made my way to the Pan American diving trials. I made sure to give myself plenty of time that way I could walk most of the way if I wanted. I arrived at 2:30 and watched the guys practice their 3m dives. It was unreal! I saw Alexandre Despatie and the rest of the guys on the National diving team. It was really difficult to believe that they were there. The guys that I watched on TV were diving right in front of me (and because I'd gotten there quite a while before the competition, started at 4, I was in the front row in the middle)!!! I still can't believe it. I have videos and photos to prove it though. The thing is, I didn't take any photos while the guys were diving, I was too mesmerized (I am sure the speedos helped).
One thing I couldn't figure out was... how come they don't lose their itty bitty speedo! I mean when I dive or when I am body boarding I always have to readjust or else I come out with my swimsuit around my ankles and one boob out (though they don't have to worry about the boob thing). Anyways they didn't have a underwater camera so I couldn't see if they were readjusting... but even when I watch the Olympics and they have underwater cameras, you never see them fix their swimsuit. Well I guess this an other one of life's little mysteries.
I stayed and watched the women dive as well. They were doing the final for the 10m. That was something else to see! I'm a bit of a fraidy cat so I tend not to jump off that sucker... but these women they were doing handstand and then doing like 3 summersaults and... well you've seen em on TV!
Through our massage therapy program, we've seen a lot of bodies and I'd never really wanted to work with athletes... but after today's performance I'd be tempted. There were a few of them that were taped up and I couldn't help but wonder what type of injury they had and what could be done to rehab them. I was talking to one of the judges who was saying that this one guy had a cramp in his calf and that was why he was bandaged up. His therapist (whether physio or massage, I didn't ask) had worked on him prior to the event, but dispite that, he still looked as if he was in a lot of pain. Anyways it could be a possibility... there are many options for me, I just have to choose :)

Come and meet those dancing feet, on the avenue I'm taking you to, 42nd Street.

Maja and I sat there waiting patiently for the show to start. The theatre was full of older folks chitter chattering with the excitement of the upcoming show. We on the other hand, were hoping we were in bed. We both had a pretty nasty headache and a rather hectic week.
The house lights dimmed and the chatty crowd came to a hush. The band in the pit struck up a song and the curtain lifted about a foot and a half to reveal a crowd of about 30 tap dancing feet. It was at that moment that my headache seemed to disappear and the feeling of immense fatigue melted away and in it's place there was feeling of excitement. They danced for a while, with us only being able to see their feet, then the curtain lifted and we could see this amazing crowd of actors / dancers and singers tapping their hearts out. Now I remembered why I loved musicals so much.
The rest of it was absolutely astounding! The dancing was amazing and the singing really blew me away! Usually in a local production there's a few people that aren't all that great but this wasn't like one of those. Sure it wasn't like the phantom or cats but it was still really fricking good! I think what also made this show so special was the fact that it was Maja's first musical. It was really neat to see her all excited... eyes sparkling like a little kid at Christmas.
After the show ended, we ran and giggled to our car (we were among the first ones out of the theatre and wanted to be the first ones out of the parking lot because it was going to be a Zoo!) and I felt rather free. I haven't had many close girl friends in my lifetime... possibly because I'm not into all of the girly things. But it was so nice to go watch a show and not have to worry about "are they having a good time..." "why is he pouting... I knew he didn't want to come..." and all the crap that comes with going out with a guy that doesn't particularly like the same things you do.
Anyways the show and the evening in general was fabulous! Well worth the $39 we paid to go see it! The only thing that could have made it a bit better was if the Canucks had won their game. I don't think i need to say more about that because I am sure that every Vancouverite shares the same frustration and sadness that our boys lost their two game lead in the playoffs. Next game will be a hard one to watch. We better kick some ass because if we don't we're out and then no more playoffs for Vancouver :(
Today I've decided not to go to Bowen. I realized that I should probably focus on studying for my 5 quizzes, 2 mid quarter exams and work on my two assignments that are due next week. Bowen isn't going anywhere. Plus I've managed to catch up on some well needed sleep. In a few hours though I am going to head off to watch the diving. I am pretty excited about that because I've never seen diving before and it should be good fun (even though I am going on my own).

More sunshine then rainy days

Well today has been another good day :) I am thinking that the reason I have been having better days lately is because having spent that time with Paul, lifted a great weight off my shoulders. I feel like I can focus on what's important now and that's my own healing. I feel that perhaps later on in life Paul and I might get back together but until then, being friends and there for each other will be just as important if not more.
Perhaps it was schooling that coaxed this relationship to it's end... the lack of time and the fact that I was always tired, I am sure didn't make for an interesting girlfriend. So I think this is important because I can focus on my own shit and school. Paul on the other hand can focus on his career and other things that have been on his mind a lot lately.
Now again comes the dilemma of what will I do on Sunday. Being I set last Sunday aside to help mum and dad and that ended up being a big waste of time... I think I am going to do something that I want to do. My thoughts were to celebrate earth day walking and trail running around Bowen island. But then in today's paper I saw that the Pan American diving trials are being held here in Vancouver starting today and going until Sunday. I would really like to see some diving, even if they are trials. Plus Alexandre Despatie is going to be diving. Sure he isn't Ian Thorpe BUT he's Canadian and we got to support our Canadian athletes (also helps that they have gorgeous bods and are prancing around in Speedos). So I am torn... I am probably going to wake up REALLY early and go to Bowen then be back for four and get there just in time for the finals which are held between 4 and 6pm. It'll be weird going to Bowen on my own, being I've always gone with friends, but I want to go out and enjoy the sunshine so even if I do it on my own it'll be fine.

It's a good day :)

So today's a good day :) Maja and I were full of piss and vinegar before school even started. I am sure the starbucks didn't help the situation :) It was cute cuz as we were leaving starbucks, a group of construction guys said "adios fleur" (I am sure I miss spelt that... I think it was Spanish. Translates into goodbye flowers)... Construction guys are always good for a confidence boost :P First class at school was uneventful. Always hard to sit in class when all you want to do is goof off... Maja and I then went for lunch at Timmy's Hoes and as always I was unimpressed with their sandwiches (looking forward to having the kitchen back so I can make my own lunch again). We walked back to school and enjoyed the sunshine. We made plans to go hiking this spring and summer and also head out to the islands for weekends (Salt Spring on our long weekend... Bowen island for a day for a walk and kayaking... could be fun :) ).
Our afternoon class was with my scary teacher... she's awesome :) We learnt techniques to do with people that have headaches. One of the techniques was cervical spine unwinding - this is where the therapist guides the guest/patient into going through the motions that their body wants to go in, in order to release tension in the cervical spine / neck region. While this is quite beneficial, as the therapist it's really difficult to do because you have to quiet your mind so much so you can feel what the guest's body wants to do. It's really amazing when you can get to this place. Initially Maja was resisting my movements a bit (I was the guest, she was the therapist) but I kept pushing into her hands and whether she was aware of it or not, we were able to get an amazing release. Maja said I looked like the exorcist or something like that... it's really quite neat to watch a body unwind. Initially Randy - the dean of our program - and Jody - a teacher - showed us a full body unwinding... it's actually kinda scary because the body twists in positions that your conscious mind would never let you do. It's hard to explain. You just have to experience it. Anyways now my neck feels freaking amazing (and it was in quite a bit of pain lately)!
When I got home I had a package from Amazon :) It was my DVD the fire within :) This is the DVD of the making of Varekai a Cirque du Soleil show that came to Vancouver last summer and that I went to see with my cousin Michelle. The show was stunning (as any other cirque du soleil show is)! Michelle and I were so excited that we couldn't sleep and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning trying our hand at contorting our self into neat positions (somehow not as flexible as the people in the cirque... oh well we had a good time anyways). Anyways I got this DVD because in this one act, there are two brothers (or twins) that do this really neat flying act... anyways they are SO FINE... both of them (the pic is of them doing their thing)! Michelle and I laughed that one day we'd get the DVD and watch them over and over again... so that is what I did :) Sadly Michelle is in Winnipeg... but she's thinking of coming over this summer, so we'll able to have a Varekai night revisited :)
I also just checked my fundraising page and I surpassed my fundraising goal by $15! So now I've raised a total of $1 015!!! I am very psyched about this :) Anyways I've bumped up my goal to $1 500 and so hopefully I'll be able to meet that and maybe even surpass it.
In 20 minutes my Canucks battle the Stars and they are going to KICK the stars' asses! Cuz we're just that good :)

I runned!!!

I runned! I runned! And now I am going to study.
I am hoping that it will only get easier from here... I'm in pretty rough cardio shape (which is sad because I'm 21, and I shouldn't be out of shape). Hopefully this will help me with my high blood pressure... though that is supposedly related to the birth control pill... Though I didn't particularly enjoy running while I was doing it, I can see how many with time it will grow on me. What I found particularly perplexing was that my anterior hip hurt. I found while I was doing yoga that I was particularly flexible in hip extension, so that means that my quadriceps are pretty flexible. Then when Sanjay did the "I forget the name of the test" test, I tested positive for tight hip flexors... but that could have been that I was wearing jeans or that the crotch part of the jeans was digging into my crotch, therefore I was not fully extending. Anyways now I am not too sure what it could be... though it felt more like I was hyperextending at the hip and that might be the cause for my anterior hip discomfort. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
For now I am going to have dinner and then prepare for tomorrow's classes.

Well that was interesting...

So yesterday Paul and I met up... Initially we were going to go for a walk but being the weather was crummy, we decided on making dinner and watching the hockey game. We won! Yay! Now we just need to beat the stars ONE MORE TIME and we're going to move on.
Things were more comfortable then I had anticipated and I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be. I guess the comforts that you share with them don't really change even though the feelings that you shared did. It's a stupid head heart battle for the both of us as well, which makes this rather difficult. We know in our minds that we just aren't meant for each other yet our hearts (or mine at least) thinks differently. Stupid heart! Anyways we didn't talk all that much about where we stand because I think it's quite clear. The line did get a little blurry at one point and time during the night but I think it was more of a goodbye thing...
It's still frustrating because he's such an awesome guy... yet I woke up this morning feeling like what we are doing is the right thing. I guess my heart wasn't awake at that time cuz right now it's screaming.
Relationships are complicated but they are well worth the trouble. Well the trouble I'm in... there are worse situations to be in. Anyways I suggested that Paul take a vacation... Maui made such a big difference to me and my emotional state that I think he could benefit from a trip as well. I also offered that while he was away, I could take care of Teako and Paul's place and that way he doesn't have to worry about that while he's gone.
Well I think I am just going to go with the flow and see where the flow takes me.

PD (Professional Development) should really stand for Patience Development

Here I am sitting in PD class. It's the class I love the most... just kidding. It's the class that tests my patience the most. I don't know why but this class drives me CRAZY! Not exactly the best class to start the week off. On the plus side, before every PD class I treat myself with a venti, soy chai tea 1/2 sweet misto. A nice treat to start the week... but really it's more for the caffeine. Without it I'd be napping during the class and that would get me in trouble.
Sure Professional Development is very important. Without proper knowledge of boundaries and all that jazz you can really get yourself in sticky situations. I dunno I still think this class is boring as hell. I can blog, chat on MSN, write notes and still answer questions that the teacher is shooting at us.
Anyways we get a 30 minute break in... 30 minutes so I'll be able to run off to do some errands. We are also 12 weeks away from the Underwear Affair run and I am going to start my training. Again I procrastinated so my 13 week training program will have to be condensed. I'll blog about my training to see whether I'll actually go through with it. I really hate running but it's something that I think would benefit me. So my goal is to run 10k on July 7th in my panties in under an hour and fifteen minutes.
We'll see if I can make it.

Weird Feelings

There we go, Paul and I talked on the phone for a whole hour... It was good to hear his voice again and hear him laugh. I am amazed as to how comfortable I feel with him. It's funny because he's been the main cause of my emotional torment but he's also a great source of comfort. No wonder things are confusing. I think the way we left it is best. That we'll be friends and it's probably better that way.
We'll see what the future brings.

Weight Lifted

Well I did it. I called Paul and left him a message (because I think he ignored my call... but that's ok. Shorter and sweeter that way).
I called to tell him that we should move on and even though I still have feelings for him, it wouldn't be fair to myself or him to back together. Sometimes two people love each other but they make huge sacrifices to please the other person. While Paul never asked me to change, I did because I could tell that by being myself I would make him uncomfortable. I believe that in a relationship one should always be themselves. If you cannot be yourself, you'll exhaust yourself and end up being angry at your partner when really you're the one holding back.
Also I don't want to be myself and have Paul change. He's a wonderful man and he's going to make someone else really really happy.
I don't know, I feel that it's for the best really. It's not going to be easy, because I do still like him... I just have to keep in mind that this will benefit him and myself in the long run. I don't want to change him or make him unhappy nor do I want that for myself. Anyways that two minute voice mail that I left has made a big difference for me. I feel lighter because I think today I am actually accepting what is going on.

Fond Memory

Paul would often work late and on winter nights I'd try my best to stay up (because I pass out at 10pm) and wait for him in the living room. This one particular night it was cold and rainy (he works outside) so I lit a fire in the fireplace and put on some pretty Celtic music. When he came in, we cuddled on the couch and watched the fire. While we were cuddling, the song Sleepsong from Secret Garden came on and during this song, we didn't say much. I just held him and savoured this precious moment that I had with him (he was probably just warming up).

Sleepsong
Secret Garden

Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby
Back to the years
And I'll sing you to sleep and I'll sing you tomorrow
Bless you with love for the road that you go

May you sail far to the far fields of fortune
With diamonds and pearls at your head and your feet
And may you need never to banish misfortune
May you find kindness in all that you meet

May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you safe from all harm

May you bring love and may you bring happiness
Be loved in return to the end of your days
Now fall off to sleep, I'm not meaning to keep you
I'll just sit for a while and sing loo-li, lai-lay

The song was one that I felt meant quite a bit because I remember thinking at that time that whether Paul and I were together or apart, I wanted him to "be loved in return to the end of your days". Whether it be by me or by any other woman, he deserves that and I still wish it upon him.
Anyways it was just a memory that came up and possibly one of the most precious ones because it was such a small special moment... it meant a lot. I could start reminiscing but I'll save everyone the cheese and save myself the heart ache. I just have to remember that I was lucky that we did share all of these wonderful memories. Though we may have loved each other, not everyone that loves each other is meant to be together.

Sunday lonely Sunday

Well I was going to take today to help mum and dad renovate because I am tired of hammering and noise. But it seems like things are too complicated for little me because I wasn't asked to do anything. When I offered, they said dad hammered better then I did (no shit I havn't done it for 50 years... you have to start somewhere right?). Anyways so instead I mowed the lawn (enjoyed every second of it... I love the smell of freshly cut grass), did the laundry, cleaned my room and have spent the last 6 hours writing in my journal about my trip to Maui. I started in plenty of detail and now I regret it because I know that if I just finish up quickly, I'll be disappointed in myself later on in life when I go back to read it. "What happened between Shawn and I... why did I leave that part out..." Yep not gonna be doing that to myself.
It's odd not having anything to do with my Sundays.... usually I am doing something with Paul. Sundays were our days because we both had those days off. While I was working at ADT I had Saturdays off and Paul was working Saturdays. Then I started school and was going to school on Saturdays so Sundays remained our "us" days (Monday being his mountain biking day and my study day). So for the past year and a half I'd always had awesome Sundays. When things were rocky, I made sure to keep myself busy on Sundays... having midterms and finals helped a lot because those became my intense studying days. Now it's the beginning of a term and I am not so much tempted to have an intense study day... so I am rather lonely. I could call up friends but I might be in a grouchy mood. I have been lately and I know I shouldn't.
After returning Paul's keys, I kept a close eye on my cell phone, hoping to get a txt or something. But you know that always sets you up for disappointment... Of course I was disappointed because he didn't call or txt. I ended up asking him if he'd received the keys and he said "yes, thanks, I guess". That just made me angry! I am still frustrated that he won't take the time or have the balls to call me to tell me it's fucking over! I know he's got shit to deal with, but we all do. Then again why am I so dead set on having my heart crushed? It's pretty clear isn't it? Then again it's always easier getting over someone when they are jerk asses. Then you figured you're better off without them. Though I know this now (or I think I do anyways... I am still kinda working on that one) I still need to accept it. Anyways I told him to call me if he wanted to talk about it and of course, no phone call. I think that's an obvious enough hint. I just wish he'd have the decency of telling me that we're over, stop being a stupid girl and stop hoping that we'll get back together. Anyways so that's been on my mind, maybe I gotta get out and walk the sea wall... oh wait that is where Paul and I met and would walk the dog... DAMN reminders everywhere. Hmm looks like all signs point to "YOU'RE NOT OVER HIM!". Then again it's hard to just give up on a year and a half of wonderful times and memories.
There's plenty more fish in the sea... or so they say.

Rainy day

Well the rain is back. It's been a long time since I've seen it this gloomy. I guess this is good because I won't be tempted to go play outside... studying will look a little more appealing.
School has been good... Our new classes seem interesting and our new teachers as well. One seems like a hard ass... but that isn't always a bad thing. I tend to learn better from hard ass teachers because I tend to pay more attention and work harder. That is always a good thing.
Today we have clinic again, and oddly enough, I am looking forward to it. I'm also looking froward to the weekend... only one more day to go.
Oh! Maja and I got tickets to go see 42nd Street the musical :) I am quite excited because I've seen this one before and I've really enjoyed it. Sure it's hardly comparable to the Phantom of the Opera but it's still a good one. Yep I'm the type that likes musicals and plays and all them froofy girly things. And now being I don't have a bf (he hasn't even called me about the key thing... I might txt to see whether he's gotten them or not) I can spend my going out money on things that I wouldn't do otherwise.
Well I best get studying... I did wake up at 5am to study not to dick around (which is what I've been doing for the past two hours... oops). Trying to get a head start on this term... I tend to procrastinate too much.

Still healing, having trouble dealing

Well today was the day where I had enough balls to bring back Paul's house keys... I mean how much does it take to take the keys off your keyring, put them in an envelope and lable it with
Paul S.
PM Maintenance
then drop it off at the reception at his work? I dunno it's totally drained me. I feel like crying but I know that it had to be done. I don't really know what to feel. I feel sad because it's over... but at the same time, I think I did everything that I could and if it wasn't meant to be then I'll accept it. Bleh relationships suck!
Well thanks to maui and the people's support there I was able to do this. I don't think they realized how much they helped me. I think the most important thing was that they didn't try to fix anything, they just listened and gave general life advice, I reflected on what they had said.
I feel bad... I feel like I havn't given him enough chances... but then I think back at what I went through and what I did give him and I think it was fair. Sure if he was to call me tomorrow and said he wanted to work on it, I would think about it... Things would have to change though, I am not too sure I want to go back into the same relationship we were in... Maybe we weren't meant to be. I don't know.
Anyways I'll just continue on my evening feeling numb and on the verge of tears and maybe tomorrow will be easyer... actually it probably will be. Sleep always helps when you're feeling down.
At least the sun's still out...

We lost one :(

First there were 9, and now there are 5... It's the first day back from our vacation and prior to orientation, Stephanie told us that she wasn't going to join us for level 300 and instead she'll be taking a term off.
I don't really blame her for taking a term off, she seemed to have gone through a rough time during level 200... She's a very reserved person and didn't talk much about her personal life, but it was apparent that things weren't going as well as they could have been.
I am glad she's able to take a term off. It's very important for us as health professionals to have mental health, therefore if we have to take the time to find ourselves and to regroup, then we should have the ability to do so.
Anyways I can imagine that it wasn't an easy descision but I know that I support her fully and I am sure the rest of our class does as well.
Otherwise, the rest of the day went rather well. I finished developing all of the photos from the trip... now all that I am missing is Pam and Maja's photos. Level 300 will be a hard one, but I feel fairly prepared and ready to get this program over and done with. We still don't know what is happening with A&P or with Systemic Orthopedic Pathology... I hope I passed, if not, then I might stay back for those two classes and take the rest of the term off... to be half in one term and the other half in an other term would just be too stressful! Plus you'd finish later because you've been slowed down already! Anyways we don't know yet what is going on with that. I am not too sure why it's taking so long. It can't be THAT complicated! If so, they have had two weeks already to sort it out.
Anyways I best get back to class... Neuroanatomy time... so far it hasn't been that bad but we'll see what I have to say in a few months time.

People in Maui

My trip wouldn't have been what it was if it wasn't for the people that I traveled with and the ones I met along the way.
Though I was a little unsure about traveling with two girls that I already spend the majority of my time with, it wasn't bad at all :) I think they are the ones that made this trip so special. They were comfort when I felt lonely (if they weren't there, there were kitty cats at the hostel that I could cuddle :P). Sure we did have our times where we were distant from each other but I think it was for our own sanity in the end. Simon said that you really learn what your friends are like when you travel, and I see the truth in that. Though sometimes it wasn't easy, I feel like we've grown closer and appreciate each other even more.
The people at the hostel were totally awesome as well! I think if it wasn't for some of the talks that I had with the guys, I wouldn't have been able to heal as much as I did during this trip. It's so refreshing to talk to real people that are so... well real and honest. It sure made me miss traveling hearing all these wonderful stories about other people's travels and adventures... less then two years and I can leave to travel again. We will see where life takes me but I am hoping away from here...
Daniella was a hoot :P she is from Switzerland and she was brave enough to come with the three musketeers to little beach. I am sure it was overwhelming to travel with us, certainly when there's a little bit of a language barrier. But we had an awesome time :) We built gorgeous George and she took photos of us with him... that evening when we got back to the hostel we drank tequila and other things with her and the rest of the hostel crew and well you'll have to see the photos... As she walked off that evening, she took her two bottles of Smirnoff ice and turned around to face us and as she lifted both bottles she said "for breakfast"... :) I am sure you had to be there but even now it makes me smile. She'll be in Van for 2010 so hopefully we'll get to meet up again at that time.
Marcio (aka Brazillian Romeo) was very nice as well. Maja was off with him a few time but towards the end of the trip, we got to spend some time with him as well. The rides to different places and everything else that he did for us was greatly appreciated. He was just a fun person to have around :)
An other person that made my trip what it was, was Shawn. Yet an other traveller from the hostel, he was always there to talk to and for hugs. There arn't too many times where you can just chill with someone and feel comfortable just not saying anything at all. He was one of those types. Really a genuinely nice guy. He was also the one that showed me the lava rock place where we went to look at the sunset off little beach. Not only was it a stunning sunset, but we saw sea turtles that were probably ancient! They were the biggest sea turtles I've ever seen... bigger then any near black rock or even on the great barrier reef in Australia!
Anyways it wasn't easy leaving Maui... it made it harder because Shawn and Marcio were there to wave us off. It's always hard to say goodbye... certainly when a trip has changed you so much...
I left Vancouver being as stressed as I had ever been... with the recent break up, the passing of my grand dad, all the medical mishaps and school being what it was I was a wreck. I was at the point where I couldn't hide it anymore and my friend and family noticed the toll that it was taking on me. While in Maui I was able to reflect on the bad things that had happened in 2007 and I was able to heal (not completely, still working on it). I have to understand that all these curve balls are just life testing me and making me stronger. I'm learning. Learning what paths to follow, and which ones not to. I cried a little while we were landing in Vancouver because I don't feel that I am ready to face all of the things that await me back home. I can't avoid it forever, and I have to be grateful that I did take this trip, and that I did meet the people that I did. All of them will be remembered because of the role that they played in my healing and discovery of self.

Welcome home me...

Well here we go, the trip that I looked foreward to so much is over. The good thing is, that I enjoyed it more then I ever thought I could. Sure sometimes it wasn't easy because we did quite a few things that both Paul and myself did but after talking to some very wise people (thanks Simon) I've realized that if anything, I will grow from what has happened in my life and I will learn as well.
The trip over went rather well, nothing too exciting, which is how you want it when you're flying :P. Upon arrival at the airport, I heard someone scream out my name. I looked around and just as I was getting off the plane, Maja and Pam were as well (except they were on a different flight as I was). We ran towards each other, hugged, jumped up and down and squealed like idiots. It was good to be there. We had waited so long and worked so hard.
The following day, I wanted to do the hike in the Iao valley, but because it had rained the day before and I didn't want to get all my things dirty because we'd just gotten there, I decided against going (silly me)... instead we went to little beach, the noodie beach on the island. We bused over and then hitch hiked. It was my first time hitch hiking and the guy that picked us was totally cool :). The day at the beach was awesome, we were SO white that we blended in with the sand. We hitched back with a guy named Joe who ended up getting a flat tire on the way back... that was quite an adventure (but a good one)
We did the road to Hana which was gorgeous! We stopped at some black sand beaches, swam in a cave, hiked through a bamboo forest, chilled at a red sand beach and saw plenty of breathtaking scenery. Our tour guide was really good as well, he explained many things and when I got back home, I was able to teach mum n dad.
We spent more time at little beach. This time we built a sea turtle out of sand and named him Gorgeous George. He was a damn fine lookin sea turtle :) Every time we were on little beach, I'd play around in the waves and try my hand and body surfing. Towards the end of my trip I was quite impressed at my skills :P (well I'd call them skills.... locals prolly think I was crap but I was having a damn good time!).
Really, other then the road to Hana, we just played at the beach. We also went whale watching and saw some pretty amazing whale things (like breaching whales, whales doing the backstroke and many other behaviours). Our last two nights were at the Westin and that was a whole experience in it's own! I had never stayed anywhere schmantzy like that before! It was SO stunning! It's funny, I don't feel like I can describe it because I know I could never do it justice. I'll have to find a way to get photos on my blog so maybe that will help. Anyways it was amazing!
Our last day there was by far the best! I woke up at 6am to snorkel black rock. When I got outside, I saw that it was cloudy and it was raining (nothing serious... but it hadn't rained before during our trip). I knew that if I didn't go, I'd be mad at myself for not going. I am SO glad I did. On my way over, a rainbow formed over black rock and it looked very dramatic against the black clouds. When I got it, the water was rather warm... I was less then 20 feet from shore when I saw my first sea turtle of the morning. Also, while I was swimming, I could hear the whales SO loudly that I felt that if I looked over I would see one. I'd heard whales before while swimming but this was something else! They were so loud, I was almost scared. I continued to snorkel and saw two more sea turtles and MANY fish! It felt like I was in an aquarium.
After snorkeling and packing up, we went to little beach for the last time. There, we met up with the rest of the hostelers and had a really good time. I played in the waves as much as I could and really didn't spend that much time sun bathing. Every Sunday, there is a drum circle that starts around three and after sunset there's fire dancers. Our flight was at 10:30 so we stayed long enough to experience Sunday nights at little beach.
Anyways time for dinner and more mental preparation for school tomorrow. I sure wish I was still in Maui... this being home business sure sucks.