Cheating...
And I am not talking about cheating on exams. I'm talking about in relationships. I always thought it was pretty straight froward. You kiss, flirt or fuck someone else that's cheating. But this weekend I was talking to some people and I was quite bothered by what I found out.
One had said that during her last relationship she'd kissed other guys on many occasions (I can't recall whether she called this cheating or not). Instead of being met by looks of disapproval, the other people laughed and quite a few agreed that they'd done/are doing the same. I was appalled. Unless you're in an open relationship, that's not acceptable. Then again maybe I'm too prudish.
So this was on my mind quite a bit and when I went to my naturopath, I asked him where he stood with all of this. What he said makes sense and it helped me put it into perspective. There are different levels of cheating. It also depends on the individuals in the relationship and the type of relationship (monogamous vs. open relationships). This one book he read said that bumping and grinding with someone in a club could be considered cheating, as could a flirtatious glance. Anything that has a potential sexual vibe to it is considered cheating. Anywhere from kissing to sleeping with someone is definitely cheating. But what he said (and I'd never really looked at it this way) was that someone can be emotionally cheating on you.
That one really hit home. How many times was I in a relationship where emotionally the guy wasn't in the relationship? Ok so not THAT many times but I can think of a couple. There's nothing worse then kissing a guy and he's just not passionate back (and he used to be). If this goes on for a while (by while I mean a few days... gotta sleep on it, make sure you're not over reacting), then you ask them what's up and they say nothing. Gah!
Anyways so what do I think of cheating now? I still stand my ground on the kissing someone else is cheating. Bumping and grinding with someone however isn't. It is if you get her number.
2 comments:
You also have to take into account that your friends are still pretty young, sowing their wild oats, etc. The bumping, grinding, kissing other people stuff is a bit ridiculous once you're past a certain age and in a relationship. I do agree with your naturopath, though, that it also depends on the relationship, and the people involved. I could see myself changing my mind on what I would tolerate in a bf based on what sort of person he was, and how much I trusted him (i.e., whether I would be okay with him flirting with women in public).
Cheating depends on the specific relationship, period, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm basically "polysexual" (although the labels never fit right, but it's a reasonable starting point.) I don't have any interest in two partners at once (hence why I won't use the word polyamorous) but I don't actually have a concept of sexual jealousy. If my partner wants to have sex with other people... fill yer boots, but be safe, and tell me about it.
I was in a relationship a few years ago where the rules were, he had to ask first, but then I'd be fine. He never quite understood the rules, and broke them (somewhat accidentally, but mostly because he was too drunk to think straight about what the rules actually meant -- dumbass) ... that's cheating.
So, my definition of cheating? Breaking the rules of a specific relationship. Because I tend to do non-standard relationships, I'm always very, very careful to lay down exactly what my expectations are, and communicate, communicate, communicate.
I disagree with Gill that the sowing of said wild oats changes after a certain age. Either that, or I'm not there yet. Neither are the (coupled!) people that I sleep with, although a few of them are in their late 30s/early 40s... :)
I'm not interested in a relationship at this current point in my life. My preference for sexual partners are those already in relationships. With their partners consent, of course. I like my walls to be built in. :) (I also have a few who live far away. Also excellent built-in walls.) ;)
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