My mind wandered. I brought it back to the treatment, frustrated at myself that I was so spacey. I closed my eyes and focused. Imagined what I was feeling, the layers of skin, muscle and fascia. I focused my intentions on the fascia and envisioned it melting. Nothing. I hung out there. Waiting. Then slowly things start to move, fascia starts to "melt" and I feel the release. Still focused, I am surprised to see Minette pop up. I see her on the metal table at the veterinary's office. My eyes level with hers. Holding my hands against her, feeling her fur. Her sweet gaze is so familiar and I miss it. I feel tears coming and then I remind myself of where I am. I tell Minette that I love her and will relive this memory but later. Right now I am in treatment with a client and I cannot be distracted. With that I snap out of my head and am back as the therapist. I finish the treatment proud of myself and of my client. We did fantastic work together and I look forward to seeing her again. Now that clinic is done for the day, I allow myself to think of Minette a little and what the significance of the event while I was treating meant.
I'm not too sure why that little memory chose to come up at that time but it did and it reminded me that I haven't dealt with that part of Minette's death. I haven't really had time since then either but tonight I am taking the time. I am really glad I went to the vet with Minette on that last day. I just find it hard so I don't like to remember it. I've pushed aside the memory but I think it's something I've got to deal with and it's something I want to put in writing.
I may have already blogged about how Minette looked at me with accepting and understanding eyes while we were at the vet. But it's how she acted too. She was so calm. I remember sitting there, slouched so I could be at eye level with her and looking at her and loving her with my gaze. I held her, my touch telling her that it was ok, that she was loved and will be loved for long after she's gone. Her little body on my lap while the vet injected her. Her last breath. Her limp body. The love I could still feel eventhough she was gone. The feeling of her warmth on my lap for the last time.
It all seems like it wasn't that long ago and I can still remember it clearly. I don't know if it was the fact that I woke up alone, without someone to cuddle this morning or if it was because I had this lingering memory of Minette but when I woke up this morning I was on the verge of tears. I felt that way for the rest of the morning. Luckily (or unluckily) we had professional development in the morning. Level 500 PD is all about death and dying so the intro was heavy and those tears that were keeping me company were cried.
I didn't share with the class what I was going through but I spoke to Maja over break. It helped to talk about it. It helps to write about it now. But I still don't know how and if I am dealing with this. I don't know what it is about the events that happened at the vet that make me feel the way I do. I also don't really know why I am still holding on so dearly to the memories of Minette. I love her. I miss her. And I really don't know what else I can do to make me feel better.