In the shadows of the wind

Endure what you cannot change.

As I've mentioned in a previous entry, I've got a lot on my mind. Little tid bits in life have kept me in check though. Over the past week I've managed to collect quotes from random places that have marked me greatly.

Don't get caught up in the past because the present may hold something better then you have ever dreamed.

I read over the horoscopes when I pick up a paper and yesterdays one hit home. It read: The grass always looks greener on the other side because you haven't looked at it closely or walked on it and crushed all the blades beneath your feet.

I liked it, it's a change from the normal expression. It has also made me realize that my resistance for being a massage therapist is probably because I am in the thick of it. It has never crossed my mind to give up. I have invested so much that I will not give up. I also find it interesting (until I have to memorize and learn everything). But lately I find myself resisting the idea of being a massage therapist. I'd love to be a pastry chef. I'd love to open a martini and gourmet desert lounge. It would be so elegant and classy! It would be great! I still have dreams and hopes for my multiple disciplinary clinic... but really I think it just comes down to the fact that I am a dreamer.

Usually I am happy in my day to day life and when it boils down to it, I am happy. Now anyways but I think being out of school helps a little. So all of this stuff being on my mind hasn't made me unhappy. I've spent many late nights pondering but it's not the depressive sort of ponder. I was feeling a little exhausted yesterday but I solved that by leaving work early to go lay in the grass with my friend Vicki. There we solved the worlds problems and soaked in the rays until our tummies growled so loudly that it disturbed our fellow sunbathers.

Today I did a REBA scan at work. This tests your chakras and sees if there is a blockage in any of them. The ones that came up for me was the Chakra 6 - third eye. This has "an energetic key concept with intuition and dreams, with creativity and harmony in living with other people". What is out of balance for me is that I "find it difficult to decide what to do and fear the risk of making your own decision". Apparently something at the age of 8 came up which triggered this fear and difficulty to decide. I can't remember that far back (my mental capacity is also working at 40%... found that out today too) but it could be something subconscious so maybe my consciousness doesn't remember but my subconscious does.

It's all really quite interesting. Chakra 6 is also linked to the pituitary gland that is responsible for most of the hormonal functions of the body... That's interesting! My naturopath and I have been working really hard in the past year or so to regulate my hormones (they've been out of whack since I got off the pill... I guess that's what happens when you start stuffing your body with horse hormones - what birth control pills are made of - at the age of 15).

Anyways I am not here to whine about how miserable life is... it's just been making the hamster in my mind work that much harder. Since Eric and I have broken up, he's been on my mind occasionally. During our relationship he gently introduced me to different ways of living life. Thinking outside the box, living a life that isn't the white picket fence dream (which was what I wanted). Over the past year I've changed quite a bit emotionally and with my beliefs. It has made me a much happier person and every time I beam with complete and utter joy, I think of Eric and I thank him for giving me that little push that was necessary. Sure it wasn't all Eric but he got me started. My naturopath has played a huge roll in my self discovery... oh and I have too :)

On fathers day, Eric was on my mind. It was the day we first kissed last year. I dismissed it and figured I was just PMSing. On Canada day I thought of him again. It was when we started dating last year. Then I realized that there might be something more then just fond memories. Maybe the reason why I have remained single is because I am still holding on to something from my past relationship (without me being fully aware of this). I'd spoken to Liam, my hair stylist, about this and he said I was probably still smitten by the idea of Eric but not by Eric himself. So how do I solve this? I spend an evening with him. Yeah so I am definitely not smitten with the idea of him. I am still attracted to him as a person. Whether I want to be in a relationship with him or not... I don't think I do.

While we were having dinner, we talked about Minette. I told him what I figured I'd do (with having Mum and Dad go have her put down). He told me flat out that I couldn't. I wouldn't be a responsible pet owner if I did that. Think of Minette and how she'd be more in comfort if I were there with her. Think of the ease of things and the closure it would give me. He was right. I wouldn't want Minette to spend her last couple of hours scared. I would want to hold her and cuddle her until her last breath leaves her little body. Awe hell just typing this makes me bawl like an idiot. Anyways so now this is playing in the back of my mind. She's been good and only throwing up every other day. When do I draw the line, I don't know. What I do know is that I will be there for her. I also want to go with a really close friend that doesn't mind seeing me at my worst and that will come to an empty mewless home with me afterwards.

I am also going to be moving out at the end of August. This is exciting. Nerve wracking though because I have never moved in my entire life. I'll be moving out with my friend Vicki which will be great cuz we get along super duperly. We're also going to find a pet friendly place so Minette can hang out with us until she leaves us. Then Vicki will have her pupster flown over to live with us (Roxy, her dog, is still Ontario). We're looking downtown which... well ideally wasn't my first choice but Vicki wants to live downtown. Everything is so close downtown and very convenient so why the heck not! If it's too noisy, I'll buy ear plugs. I also figure if I can find comfort in a snoring boyfriend or a noisy hostel, I can find comfort in a bustling downtown.

Oh yeah... we also did the Underwear Affair last Saturday. The Thunder Panties were beauties again this year :) I had a great time! However the event wasn't as well attended (either that or the place was bigger) and most people left early which made for a not so fun after party. I was proud of myself though, I walked the entire 5k in heels and I did it under an hour! Hooray! We even stopped for photos at the turn around point.

Anyways it feels good to get some of this off my chest. By reading it over, I find it silly that it has kept me up. But it is what it is :) Next time I'll write about stuff that's on my mind sooner and maybe I won't let it pile up like it has.


* Blog entry title came about after spending too many hours in the sunshine and possibly cooking my brain. I meant that it was less windy because we were behind something... but that wasn't what I said :) Vicki and I decided it would make a good romance novel title. Being I am not going to write a romance novel any time soon (or ever) it'll have to be a blog title :)