Where am I going?

Over the course of the past year I've been changing a lot as an individual. I've learnt that there is more then one way to live life and my little sheltered existence was... well it was good for a while but it's time for me to break out of my shell and put myself into uncomfortable situations. It's with these uncomfortable situations that I find myself. That I see that I can stand my own.
I've also realized that my moods, my emotions and the path I chose is really my choice. Every morning I'm faced with a choice. To be happy and have a good day or be miserable. Yeah sometimes being miserable is the easy choice and that was a choice I made yesterday. Then it got me thinking. Why waste time being miserable? Did I achieve anything by it? No, actually I achieved less. So what's the point?
Same goes with health. It's my emotions and moods that form who I am inside (chemical balances and what not) and constantly bombarding myself with insecure, unhappy, sad thoughts poisons my being and makes me ill. I could go on about this one but I won't... not now.
So yesterday had me thinking... where am I going? I've thought about this quite a bit and was even encouraged to write down my dreams, goals and well essentially where I want to be in life. Until last night (when I was laying in bed, not being able to fall asleep because I had all of this on my mind) I didn't have the courage to do so. I was afraid that if I wrote down a goal or a dream and I didn't achieve it then I'd be a failure. And being it's in writing it would be a constant reminder of my failure.



But I've realized that goals change as we change. For now this might be where I want to be in a few years from now but I might discover something else that will become my passion. So really it's not a failure.
So where do I see myself going? I am going to graduate and become an RMT (registered massage therapist). I will travel to Africa and volunteer there for a few months. Whether it's working with people or with animals I am not too sure. I am going to be a doula and further my studies in women's health and pregnancy. I will open up my own multiple disciplinary clinic specializing in pregnancy and women's health. All the while working as a massage therapist, being happy and content. Eventually I'll have a family because really, my number one goal in life is to be a Mom.
How all of this will happen... I am not too sure. Every day I am sure I will have to make choices that bring me closer to these goals. And right now a choice that I am going to make is to continue studying for my finals this coming week. Tonight I'm going to treat myself to a few hours at the gym that way I can exercise my body and not just my brain. And then I'll be ready for my sport treatment written and oral practical tomorrow along with our final neuropathology class before our exam.



Pictures are from my trip to Australia:
Top: Magnetic Island, Mountains on Maggie (magnetic island) though old ruin I found hiking, sunset on Horseshoe Bay on Maggie
Middle: Lounging around while sailing the Whitsundays on a tall ship, An island in the Whitsundays
Bottom: Maggie and mainland Australia, Butterflies on Maggie, Sunset on mainland Australia from Fraser Island, Sunrise over our canoes in the everglades

Depuis j'traine sur le quai, j'regarde les trains au depart

My brother told me about this song by Grand Corp Malade. It's called Voyage En Train (Train Journeys). I found the lyrics in English because I believe it's worth sharing. So here they are.

Train Journeys

You could say that love stories are like journeys by train
And sometimes when I see those travellers I'd like to be one again
Why do you think so many people wait at the platform gate
Why do you think we stress so much when we arrive a little late

The train often pulls away when we least anticipate
And the love story carries you off from those who commentate
The commentators are your mates who say goodbye at the station
They watch the train pull away with a look of trepidation
You wave back at them and imagine their comments going around
Some say that you've made a mistake, that your feet aren't on the ground
Each one makes a prediction for how long the trip will last
Most of them think that the train will derail at the first stormy blast

Real love, it's no surprise, changes the look on your face
So, from day one you should carefully chose your place
A seat by the isle or next to the window glass
What do you chose, a love story in first or second class

The first few miles you can't take your eyes from her face
You barely notice out the window the passing green open space
You feel light, life is a flower and you're drinking her nectar
You feel so good that you almost want to kiss the ticket collector

But the magic only lasts a time, your story's running out of steam
You tell yourself you're in it for nothing, "it's all her fault", you want to scream
The trains rumble makes you drunk, you feel sick at each bend
You've got to get up, walk out and find a way for your heart to mend

Now the train slows down, it's already the end of your tale
And what's more you're like a fool, your mates are at the other end of the rail
You say goodbye to the one you'll now call your ex
In her address book, she whites out your name in tippex

So you see that love stories are like journeys by train
And sometimes when I see those travellers I'd like to be one again
Why do you think so many people wait at the platform gate
Why do you think we stress so much when we arrive a little late

For some life is all about catching the train
To feel love and to feel their energy bubbling like champagne
For others the aim is to arrive with time to spare
To have a safe trip and to live without a care

It's easy to catch a train but make sure you pick well
I got into two or three but not the right carriage , I could tell
For trains are temperamental, some you try to reach but fail
And I don't always think it's possible on network rail

For some the trains are always on strike ,or so it seems
And their love stories only exist in their dreams
Others jump on the first train without paying attention
But, of course, they get off disappointed at the next station
Still others stress about commitment as they're over-emotive
For them it's too risky to hold onto the locomotive
And there are the adventurers who take trip after trip
Once one story is over, to the next page they flip

I suffered for months after my only real journey
We both agreed to leave but she agreed more then me
Since then, I hang out on the platform, watching the trains pull away
Some doors open, but for now it's on the platform I'll stay

It seems that train journeys end badly more often then not
If that's the case for you hang on, don't tie your heart in a knot
Because one thing is for certain there will always be a termin-us
Now you've been warned, next time take the bus

The french version is still better but that's how it goes with most translated things.

We both agreed to leave but she agreed more then me
Since then, I hang out on the platform, watching the trains pull away
Some doors open, but for now it's on the platform I'll stay

Replace she with he and I think that's why this song has marked me.
Well tomorrow's an other day full of studying. I best get to bed. Rest is good.

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.

No, I don't have an upset tummy, a cold or anything else that could make me feel physically funny. It's more of an emotionally funny feeling one that I am not too sure if I should do anything with. Something to do with my vagus nerve I imagine :P Ah though I won't worry about it now. There's studying to be done.
I'm currently finishing up a projects for my Research and Statistics class and it's really quite interesting. We had to read a research paper and has to summarize it. Write whether the paper was trying to discover, prove or disprove something and why. It's really introducing the idea that osteopathic treatments* when used with progressive muscular relaxation** is effective in treating tension type headaches. Then we had to write about the economic burden due to this research and then the third part was the social benefits of this reasearch and last but not least how is this relevant to our profession as registered massage therapists.
I'm now working on the last part and this is where I got carried away. I looked at what osteopathic treatments include (modality/technique wise) and then compared it to massage therapy. Found that there are many similarities. I then looked at the list of continuing education for massage therapists (it's mandatory that all registered massage therapists complete a certain amount of credits every two - I think it's two... - years) and boy I can't wait to take some of these courses! Courses like Massage therapy for the childbearing years (a 5 part course!!! woo!), osteopathic approach to feminine balance, Cranioscaral (Many many classes for this modality) and myofascial (also has many classes) to name a few (there's 20 pages of courses that one can take). It's the specialization that I think I will find interesting. Not that what I am learning now is not interesting, it is. It's just not what I am interested in doing.
Ok back to research project... then more studying. Maybe gym tonight if I'm good (didn't have time to go yesterday too much running around... did everything though... well except for the gym.)
*Osteopathy: A system of medicine that is based upon the theory that the human body is a vital organism in which structural and functional states are of equal importance and that they body can rectify toxic conditions when it has favorable environmental circumstances and satisfactory nutrition.
**Progressive muscular relaxation: Based upon an ancient yogic practice called yog nidra, this is a guided, stress releasing process that is accomplished by leading the recipient step by step, muscle group by muscle group, moving from the feet up to the head, to experience the sensation of contreaction the subsequent relaxation or decreased intensity of muscle tension. (This releases tension and energises... or so they say, personally it puts me to sleep :) )

Sleep escapes me

After a long day of studying (10 hours), chores and baking I was really looking forward to a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Being it's Thursday it's my running around day. I keep all of my running around for Thursdays so that the other days of the week I can stay committed to my study area.
I was hoping my mind would be too tired to think tonight... but that doesn't seem to be the case. I've tried all of my techniques to help me fall asleep and nothing has worked. I'll try writing about what's going on in my mind and maybe that will help.
I don't understand why I am feeling lonely. After Paul and I broke up (and once I got over it) I was loving being single. I was content and not looking for a relationship. Eric can attest to that because it took me forever to realize that he was interested in me. Somehow after the most recent break up I didn't go back to that loving the single life state. I am not miserable and I am not looking for a relationship. But I find myself being lonely, wanting to cuddle and day dreaming over mushy love songs.
Then there's my whole situation with Paul... I am glad this is settled because it had me a little worried. Over the past few weeks it seemed like Paul had been avoiding me and through the wonders of facebook a little news thingy told me that he was now in a relationship. I figured two might be related and asked him if it was. It turns out he was just busy and even though he is in a relationship he still wants to be friends.
The reason why this was especially touchy for me was that after Paul and I broke up and before Eric and I started dating, I met this guy who I contemplated dating... that was until he told me that he didn't feel comfortable with me talking to my exes. I had nothing invested and I valued my friendship with Paul more then I valued a potential relationship with this guy. It got me thinking... maybe that is why people aren't friends with their exes... future boyfriends or girlfriends may be intimidated by exes and... I dunno.
I know that I am somewhat intimidated by exes but I would never ever ask a current boyfriend to stop talking to their ex. First of all it's not my place and second I understand that this person meant something special to my boyfriend and for them to keep in contact is not a big deal.
Also silly thing are running through my head like how to best organize my day tomorrow so that I spend the least time in transit and the most time where I need to be. Also how I can get all my errands done in the least amount of time. Oh and don't forget to add *pick up Christmas cards, two gifts and pantie liners* on your to do list for when you're at metrotown.
How can I put together dinner tomorrow in a kitchen that I am not particularly familiar with. Will the pork chops be over marinated by the time he calls? Will protobello mushrooms be a good substitute for meat for me or will I need something else? The pork and the mushroom will have to be in separate dishes in the oven... will there be enough room?
And then there's Africa... Africa and compassion and empowerment and photography and calendars and and and... is all running through my head. This is an idea that is too green to talk about. If it develops I'll blog about it but I'm a dreamer... I get many ideas some of which develop (like backpacking Australia at 18 years of age) and some don't (like going to Europe a few years later).
Ok well I am still not tired and I have to wake up in 4 hours. Time to go read peoples blogs :)

Mrs. Muscle... well working on it.

After some marathon studying, I went to the gym with Craig. Now Craig has put together an exercise program for me and he was teaching me a few new tricks/exercises. We had tried this 2 months back and when he tried to get me to deadlift 65 lbs (or maybe it was 55, I can't remember) and I couldn't. I couldn't even get it off the ground. He took the weights off and I had a lot of trouble even lifting the bar.
Today though I deadlifted 65lbs! And I did it more then once! I couldn't believe it. I even did a few barbell squats... until my glutes started spasming :( Apparently my booty is not big with muscle... oh well I love it anyways. I've also gone from dumbell benching 10lbs to 15lbs... without rearranging my face (which I thought might happen once or twice).
I'm looking forward to my new routine at the gym. The other one was great though but it had been the same for two months... time to switch it up. I have a feeling though that these barbell squats and deadlifting will be exercises that I will love to hate.
Last time I was at the gym, Craig and I were supposed to meet up. I tend to get there a bit earlier because I work out for longer then he does (he doesn't do cardio... I do 45 minutes of it or so). I was doing my usual workout and I didn't see him come in. I kept working out until my muscles were spaghetti and I couldn't lift a single thing more. I then went into the change room to see if I had a message from Craig. Sure enough he was delayed with work and wouldn't be able to make it.
I then decided to go and spend a bit of time in the sauna. My logic was that by spending time in the sauna I would increase circulation to my muscles which would increase oxygen and nutrients to them which would decrease muscle soreness. Hey it couldn't hurt. Worst that could happen is I'd be relaxed and sore the next day. After 30 minutes in the sauna with some cold showers in between (contrasting also helps to increase circulation) and some stretching I came out feeling like a heap of jello. Not quite what I wanted to achieve.
That night I had trouble lifting the blankets to get into bed I was so sore. I wasn't particularly surprised... I did work really hard after all. I was a bit worried that I had over saunaed myself... but it felt great (other then the not being able to lift my own limbs). I had to wait and see what I'd feel like in the morning.
Come next morning I jump out of bed and... NO SORENESS! It felt like I had worked out but I was not sore. I could do all my daily activities without being reminded of the night before. So now I am experimenting with the sauna. Today I only spent about 5 minutes in it because Craig was done and ready to go. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Don't forget to breathe...

Why is it that when I am studying I often find myself holding my breath? It has gotten to the point where I have a little post it on my laptop that says breathe. Then I wonder why I get anxiety.

Frosty Rose

We've been fortunate that this winter has been a beautiful one. It feels like it's been colder but it is probably due to the beautiful clear days that we've been having. Being my travel time is when the sun rises in the morning and when the sun sets in the evening there's always gorgeous scenery on my way to and from school. I've always found it frustrating that I can't capture these moments into pictures because my POS camera is now an even bigger piece of shit because it's broken. So I'm left with my mobile phone.
On my way to school sometime last week, I came across this beautiful rose that had been walked on by morning commuters and then frozen because of the cold weather. Every time I look at the picture (it's set as my background on my mobile) I am reminded that it's really the little things in our lives that make it beautiful.