Determined

This morning I woke up early with a smile. Life was good. Even the lack of hot water for a shower this morning did not dampen my spirits. I was uplifted by thoughts of my future. Possible partnerships and business plans. I could see that there was a place out there for a therapist like me. A place where I can thrive and show people what my hands and I can do.
I went to school happy, listening to my music. I walked to school part of the ways because I loved the feeling of the rain. People looked at me strangely because I had a smile on and was splashing around in puddles. I got to school early but stayed outside in the rain in the courtyard. I walked in puddles, watched the rain fall and make pretty patterns in the puddles and water fountain.
Class started and both Randy (the Dean) and Annette were there. Randy asked us if we had thought about yesterdays final. He did not seem happy. Initially no one answered but slowly we started saying how we felt that we had messed up. Him and Annette were both VERY disappointed about our performances. Not only were they disappointed but they were worried for us as therapists. Going in to boards with the hands on skills we have now he said we'd be sure to fail. My happy mood quickly exploded and I felt angry and lost and exposed and naked. For half an hour we got "the talk". By the end, I was in tears, my stomach had sunk to my toes. He gave us 15 minutes to regroup (because we were all quite shaken) and during this time I called Justin.
I was so upset that I had trouble speaking (when I cry I lose ability to speak, it kinda sucks cuz it makes it seem worse then it actually is). While in class I couldn't quite pin why this shook me so hard. Finally, with Justin on the line I was able to verbalize why I felt the way I did.
Since I've been back at school, I've dealt with a lot. Initially I thought my therapist hands had turned into oaf hands. After a couple days back, I felt that my hands weren't oaf hands but I had lost my confidence as a therapist. I was second guessing myself and didn't give myself enough credit for what I knew/remembered. So I've been dealing with this lack of confidence. I know it'll come back eventually I just have to learn to trust the therapist within me. This was why the OP was quite a big deal for me. Here I was, back at school with not too much confidence and I'm already being tested. It was tough but considering what I had been though I felt like the outcome of the final was better then I thought. Confidence slightly restored, I was happy.
So it wasn't so much that I may have to redo the final exam. That's ok. I make mistakes. That's why I am in school. It was more the fact that I thought I was on the right track and I was starting to feel confident again and it was smashed.
It was smashed pretty hard this morning. I temporarily doubted my abilities and worth as a therapist. Over lunch, I went for a walk in the rain to try to restore my spirits. While on my walk I realized that I didn't want to quit. I will show them what kind of therapist I can be. I will blow them away and be fucking awesome. The more they try to break me down, the harder I am going to fight. I can do this, I know I can.
During the afternoon class I found myself answering questions even though I wasn't sure of myself. I also asked more questions even if I thought they might be really basic and that I should know the answer. Being quiet and unsure of myself won't get me anywhere. I've got to speak up and not be afraid to be wrong. Now's the time. I am still in school.
Anyways now we'll see how long this determination lasts. I hope at least until the board exams, maybe longer. But I really really want to show them that I can be a great therapist and that I can be better then they think I am.