11 days to Maui

It's weird... Maui's in 11 days and the closer that gets the more I should start relaxing... but really it's the opposite... I guess it's because I have my finals the week before. I am really starting to freak about them! I can feel stupid anxiety attacks coming on and luckyly I've managed to suppress them. I am looking froward to going swimming on Saturday with Adam and Rish (and maybe Rish's little man) that will be my last social activity until I leave for Maui.
If Level 100 has taught me anything, is to control my anxiety attacks. Before I started this program, I would get them every once in a while in my sleep and I'd wake up freaking out (for those of you who've had them... you know what I am talking about). When mid terms of level 100 rolled around I was a wreck! Because I had never had them during they day, I didn't know what it felt like when they were coming on, so I couldn't stop them until it was too late. Them freak out attacks just zap your energy too and once you have one, they are easily set off afterwards (a cascade effect really...). I was able to find out how to deal with them and now I know what to do if I feel one come on (and I am awake)... Take myself out of the situation I am in - usually studying - and take deep diaphragmatic breaths until the feeling subsides.
Really, this program isn't for the weak... When I initially went into the program, people told me it was going to be hard. I thought they were full of shit and thought they were all feeble. Oh boy if I actually knew what it was like, I would NEVER have started this program. It's hard emotionally because it stresses you beyond anything. You lose people who you thought were your friends, and those who say close to you, you're lucky if you can see them once a month. Relationships... what relationship? A lot of people say that relationships suffer because of the stress and emotional fuckedness one goes through... I don't know if I'll attribute the fall through of my relationship to this program... but it's quite the coincidence.
Really it's changed me into someone I am not too fond of. I am always tired, I am not very interesting, I can't stay up late or else my body starts being an idiot and I get sick (actually it's just reminding me not to abuse it too much)... I've stopped drinking... You'd think one would start or increase their drinking but no. My body's the most tempermental thing now I can't do anything out of routine or else I get sick. It seems like I'm constantly teetering on the edge of being sick.
I have to keep it into perspective though, I'm 1/3 through the program - a realization that I came to yesterday... and really with every day I am getting closer to the end of this program. This also pushes me to study my little ass off because if I fail I have to do it again... Mind you, you can only study so much until your mind turns into something that resembles cat food...
Anyways it's time for me to sweet dream (maybe tonight I'll do more then just lay there admiring my ceiling... this has been the case for the past two nights... it's frustrating).