OnSite

Yesterday was our 2nd clinic shift at OnSite and again I am blown away by the effect that this place has on me.
It's strange. The interaction with the people there is like no other group that I've worked with before. Sure it's a little similar to Aurora but the energy is very different. I had a feeling that it might be hard to put how I felt and what the OnSite experience is like into words and I was right. It's just different. It's also uplifting to work with the people there. It's really nice to see that they recognize that their body needs to detox and they voluntarily check themselves in for a detox. Some move on to a drug free life and others go back on the street. It's a very difficult situation for those who live on the street. For most of them that's all they know. Some were put on the streets at the age of 12 and at the age of 63 they find themselves detoxing and wanting to change. It's immense the strength that it takes! So for those who end up back on the streets I don't really feel sad. I feel like they are on the right path and it may take them a try or two (or three or four...) to make a change. Others may not. But I am glad that they have a place to go to if they feel like they need a break from the streets. A place where they can go to get in touch with their bodies and cleanse themselves if only temporarily.
Yesterday I had an experience that I never had before. Usually we go in there to do two treatments on the 2nd floor (the 1st floor is InSite and we don't work there) and then we have a quick break to move our chairs to the 3rd floor, do some charting then get ready for our other two guests. By the time our shift is over, we pack up our stuff and head back to school for more charting and a little debriefing. This time, as we were putting our things away, a couple of gentlemen (also clients of ours, unfortunately we don't have the time to see everyone who would like to get a treatment) were watching the Canucks game. The four of us took the time to chat with the guys about the game and about who was winning. Unfortunately it wasn't the Canucks but that didn't matter to me. It was nice to step out of my therapist role and get to talk to them about something other then their aches and pains.
OnSite has a lot of controversy and I can understand why. But I'd be curious to see what people would say if they actually went to Onsite and saw what it was like. Sure it's no holiday but the energy is relatively positive and you can see a glimmer of life in their eyes. In a society where we think that beauty is prefect straight teeth and clear beautiful skin, I'd challenge that because I'd rather see the occasional true missing teeth smile then a straight fake smile.

Packing for the weekend

My Passport and Big Red and friends are ready to go for this weekend. I'm heading up to Bellingham again to be with Justin. I am looking forward to this weekend. All we have planned is cuddles, movies, carving pumpkins and maybe a hike or two. I am also planning on doing some homework... my some I mean lots.

Determined

This morning I woke up early with a smile. Life was good. Even the lack of hot water for a shower this morning did not dampen my spirits. I was uplifted by thoughts of my future. Possible partnerships and business plans. I could see that there was a place out there for a therapist like me. A place where I can thrive and show people what my hands and I can do.
I went to school happy, listening to my music. I walked to school part of the ways because I loved the feeling of the rain. People looked at me strangely because I had a smile on and was splashing around in puddles. I got to school early but stayed outside in the rain in the courtyard. I walked in puddles, watched the rain fall and make pretty patterns in the puddles and water fountain.
Class started and both Randy (the Dean) and Annette were there. Randy asked us if we had thought about yesterdays final. He did not seem happy. Initially no one answered but slowly we started saying how we felt that we had messed up. Him and Annette were both VERY disappointed about our performances. Not only were they disappointed but they were worried for us as therapists. Going in to boards with the hands on skills we have now he said we'd be sure to fail. My happy mood quickly exploded and I felt angry and lost and exposed and naked. For half an hour we got "the talk". By the end, I was in tears, my stomach had sunk to my toes. He gave us 15 minutes to regroup (because we were all quite shaken) and during this time I called Justin.
I was so upset that I had trouble speaking (when I cry I lose ability to speak, it kinda sucks cuz it makes it seem worse then it actually is). While in class I couldn't quite pin why this shook me so hard. Finally, with Justin on the line I was able to verbalize why I felt the way I did.
Since I've been back at school, I've dealt with a lot. Initially I thought my therapist hands had turned into oaf hands. After a couple days back, I felt that my hands weren't oaf hands but I had lost my confidence as a therapist. I was second guessing myself and didn't give myself enough credit for what I knew/remembered. So I've been dealing with this lack of confidence. I know it'll come back eventually I just have to learn to trust the therapist within me. This was why the OP was quite a big deal for me. Here I was, back at school with not too much confidence and I'm already being tested. It was tough but considering what I had been though I felt like the outcome of the final was better then I thought. Confidence slightly restored, I was happy.
So it wasn't so much that I may have to redo the final exam. That's ok. I make mistakes. That's why I am in school. It was more the fact that I thought I was on the right track and I was starting to feel confident again and it was smashed.
It was smashed pretty hard this morning. I temporarily doubted my abilities and worth as a therapist. Over lunch, I went for a walk in the rain to try to restore my spirits. While on my walk I realized that I didn't want to quit. I will show them what kind of therapist I can be. I will blow them away and be fucking awesome. The more they try to break me down, the harder I am going to fight. I can do this, I know I can.
During the afternoon class I found myself answering questions even though I wasn't sure of myself. I also asked more questions even if I thought they might be really basic and that I should know the answer. Being quiet and unsure of myself won't get me anywhere. I've got to speak up and not be afraid to be wrong. Now's the time. I am still in school.
Anyways now we'll see how long this determination lasts. I hope at least until the board exams, maybe longer. But I really really want to show them that I can be a great therapist and that I can be better then they think I am.

Your black and white needs a little bit of red

Last night I passed out early because it had been a long (yet very good) day. I woke up this morning to the sound of Serena Ryder quietly serenading me through my alarm clock. The song Little bit of Red was playing and I was quite impressed. I had never heard of Serena Ryder but so far I like her music.
Getting up to study at 2am was a great idea. I enjoyed the quietness and kept really focused during the entire time. I managed to go through 38 pages of notes and summarize them in 9 pages. I was so proud of myself! That kind of stuff usually takes forever. So apparently morning study is for me.
The written exam went really well and I feel quite confident with the answers I gave. I don't have my mark yet but I've got a good feeling. I had about an hour and a half of down time before it was my turn to do my OP (oral practical - basically this is the hands on portion of the exam but you also have to give answers out loud which often gives you time to fumble and say something really stupid.). During that time all the girls stayed together and we just tossed around information back and forth. The feeling in the room was one of nervousness but the energy was also positive and light. About twenty minutes before my OP, I stopped studying and all of us just talked and laughed and were having a good time.
Margaret was the first to have her OP (me second) and when she came in, she looked like she'd just seen a dead person. She said it was probably the hardest OP she had every done and was what she imagined the board OPs were like. This OP was a little different because we were performing the techniques on the Dean and an other very respected teacher, Annette, was examining us. That makes for two very intimidating people! And OPs are scary enough as it is!
All of a sudden all the information that was in my mind ran away in fear. I knocked on the door to come in and I was told to wait outside for a little while longer. I replied with a barely audible trembling squeak. Fuck! Damn nerves. I took a couple of deep breaths but that didn't help so I did the wood chopper (inhale bringing hands above your head and exhaling moving into a forward bend - kinda like an extreme wood chopper I guess). I did this until I started to feel light headed. That managed to calm me.
The door opened and I saw Fina* there. Somehow the knowledge came back and I felt quite confident about what I did. My trembling voice went away after a while and I was able to palpate and identify all of the land marks that I was given. Sure I maybe screwed up muscle testing upper trapezius and I also did two very basic mistakes. Considering you get 20 minutes to incriminate yourself I feel I did quite well.
After that it was off to work to do 5 hours of work and then to top off my ultra long day I went and saw Jane at SugarBox for my monthly grooming. I gotta say, getting my girly bits waxed after such a long day was the last thing I wanted to do but Jane is such an awesome person that it's great to get to work with her. I am also super proud of SugarBox! She came in 2nd in the Best of Vancouver choice award. So if you're humming and hawing about where to go to get your girly bits waxed. Go to SugarBox!
K, I gotta get ready for school. TMJ treatment class today (and for the rest of the week)! I am looking forward to this one! Justin has a very clicky jaw and I am afraid that if I kiss him too hard it'll fall apart. Maybe this will give me a better idea of what's happening to my sweetie.

*Fina is Annette's dog. She's at school quite often and is such a sweet heart. Last week I cuddled with her and buried my face in her fur and cried because I missed Minette and she reminded me of having a furry little pet. So I am especially fond of Fina because she is now my replacement for a pet.

Awake!

And feeling like a ray of sunshine! Ok a tired and slightly hungry ray of sunshine but feeling pretty good none the less. My internal alarm clock woke me up at 2 instead of 3 (which is when I set me alarm for). It's quite chilly out so I lay in bed for 20 minutes or so before actually getting up. Being I got up early I decided it's ok to fart around on the Internet for a bit before getting things going. I might even start some laundry and have breakfast before 3. We'll see :)

First final tomorrow

And I just had Spinal treatment and A&P today. My brain is done! It's just about 5pm and I am already in my PJ's ready for bed. Tomorrow I have to make sure to drag myself out of bed when my alarm rings. 2am or 3am, I haven't decided yet. Maybe 2:30.
This week we welcomed the new level 100. There are so many of them that there are two classes! Sure that's only 31 students but compared to our 8 student classes that's a lot of fresh blood. They're so cute :) all bright eyed with big smiles. Eager. It's quite nice to see.
My new class is thoroughly awesome! The girls are so fantastic I feel very privileged! Today while in A&P class, I got a little chilly so I put my wrist warmers (thanks Gillian) and hat on and one of the girls put a blanket around me! I thought it was so sweet. Everyone seems to take care of each other. The environment is very supportive. They are also super duper smart so it makes me want to be smarter and study harder.
Speaking of study harder I should get to bed... maybe read my notes over before sleep.

Collapse

At the beginning of relationships I build a wall so that I don't get hurt. The relationship goes on, the wall gets harder to hold up. Until it collapses and I am myself. This switch has been the end of some relationships but it has also strengthened others.

We will see where Justin and I go from here. But right now I feel vulnerable and scared. It sucks. I didn't realize that I did this until last night. Looking back on past relationships, I can see that I've done the same. I could write a lot yet at the same time I don't want to because it exposes a side of me that I don't particularly like. One that is more vulnerable and it's not something I like to be.