One week.

It has been one week since Minette has been gone. The week has gone by quickly. Tonight was the first night where I was able to read a comment from someone about Minette's death without crying. My eyes stung but they didn't spring a leak. I did not stop them either. Less crying is good. I'm dehydrated as it is.
I am working shorter shifts and getting more done. No studying yet. Tomorrow. I promise. Have I mentioned that I am the queen of procrastination?
I feel terribly exhausted. I don't know if it's because my health has been bothering me (this is an other story in itself... it almost deserves it's own blog... don't want to write about it because it would just be one giant bitch fest) or if it's because I am still feeling down about Minette.
Early to bed again tonight. Maybe I'll go now so that I can read an extra bit more (trying to finish some non school related stuff before school starts... this will prevent procrastination while in school.). I also have to read Darkness Visible by William Styron before professional development 500 begins. PD 500 will be all about death and how to cope as a therapist when one of our clients pass away. I am looking forward to PD 500 but it might bring up some things that are quite raw. I'll bring tissues.

Life goes on...

And so it does. Through all this life has managed to keep going. I've counted down the weeks until school starts and now I am counting down the days. With Justin having the week off, I had hoped to take part of the week off to spend some time with him before going back to school. My weekends will go back to being sunday and monday... he will have friday, saturday and sunday off... which means we only have sundays off together. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have clinic on saturday evenings. This would give me a bit more time to go to Bellingham if I can manage a day away from school stuff.
I had also hoped to take the other part of this week off so that I could review and get settled and ready for school. All of this was working out because I had trained a new girl at work and she was doing a darn good job. Until she quit. Damn! So this week, instead of having it off, I am working. I'll be training someone new tomorrow. I've told myself that instead of working a 40 hour week, I will go into work, do my job then go home and catch up on things that need to be done.
That reproductive chapter that I wanted to self study before I went back to school... well that didn't fly. Sure I took my Anatomy and Physiology book on a couple of bus trips to and from work but never actually managed to study much. I opened it on a couple of lunch breaks only to say "fuck it!" to the whole thing because I hate settling in to study for only half an hour of work. I gotta be sitting there for at LEAST an hour, preferable two for me to actually get anything done. I also haven't reviewed muscles like I would have liked. But at least I sorted my flash cards. I also haven't reviewed my neurological treatment notes. Tuesday is my first day of clinic. It's also my first shift at George Pearson... which is all neuro stuff. Neuro stuff also makes me VERY nervous. That whole outreach makes me nervous! Then again I was nervous for Aurora before I went for my first shift and then ended up loving it. Jason was supposed to be our supervisor but he is no longer working at UA. Which totally sucks! I loved having Jason as a teacher! Especially when we would salsa dance.
The Fontaine clan is over for a visit... and by the Fontaine clan, I don't mean all 30 something of the Fontaine family (Dad's side) but Grand Maman, Grand Papa, Auntie Nicole and Uncle Raymond. It was great to have Auntie Nicole and Uncle Raymond over. Even if this meant that Justin and I had to sleep on the futon. Justin got to meet the family and got along with them really well. It was great to see :) Nicole and Raymond left yesterday. Grand Maman and Grand Papa are here for two more weeks. This has kept me busy most evenings with tournaments of double solitaire. Justin even joined in and I learnt that he is quite the card shark. I still beat him twice last night :) tee hee. Justin left today but he also left me a lovely note on my bed for when I got home :) I am a lucky lady.
Today when I got home, there was a little box on the downstairs kitchen table. It was a litte white box with a card that read "The Fontaine Family". I looked at the box and in small writing was "Handle with Care" in even smaller writing was "www.untilwemeetagain.ca". Partially covered by the envelope that was propped up against the box was "Minette Fontaine". The tears that I had managed to hold back throughout the day squeezed past my shut eyelids. My sweetie. In a box. On the kitchen table. Funny. She was never allowed on the kitchen table before. The box is still there, unopened. The letter untouched. I don't have the heart to open it just now. I don't know whether we will bury her in her toys... that would mean that we would have to split up her ashes. I don't feel like that would be the right thing to do. Come to think of it, we should have gotten her favorite toys cremated as well. After all we did get her collar cremated (not the flea collar, she never liked it, plus it's plastic and would have made more pollution). I didn't want her collar because I didn't know what I would do with it. Sure I could hold it and cry but that isn't very useful. So I don't know what I am going to do with Minette anymore. I'll sleep on it. Maybe then I will think of something.
For now, I am off to play a game of cards with Grand Maman. Then it's early to bed. I need it.

Hiccups

Sometime love has it's hiccups and right now our relationship has it's very own. The getting to know one an other has been bumped up a notch and so has the trust. With this, we're opening up to each other and discovering more about one an other. Something that is very exciting but that also raises some eyebrows.
With my relationship with Paul, I found myself changing myself to fit what he wanted. I didn't realize that I was doing this until it was all over. Then I felt frustrated that I had changed myself for someone. I was unhappy but I didn't know that I was. After that relationship, I promised myself that I would never change myself again. Ever! When I would encounter a relationship that would require me to change or even adapt. I'd push away. I didn't want to go down that road again!
Then this relationship came along. I fell. Bang! Head over heels for a guy 53 miles away. Both of us were stunned at how well things were working out. He makes me happy and I am so fortunate to be with him. However, now that I am learning more about him, I find out that before I entered the picture, he was about to buy a home and settle down. Not too many thoughts of travelling the world crossed his mind. A nice home, a job that he enjoys and a lovely lady by his side... could have been perfect. But the home thing fell through which got him questioning things. Is a home really what he wants? It's a big investment and commitment. Not only that, this new girl in his life wants to travel. Settle down, yes. But not yet.
So what do we do? Where do we go? I really really like Justin. When we are apart and I know he's coming I eagerly await his arrival. When I go see him the train/bus ride seems to take forever! I become a little silly because Hey! love makes you feel silly. With him I feel that change would be good... though I will not make myself something that I am not. Maybe instead of change, I'll compromise.
I would like to be there and hold his hand as we travel the world then settle down afterwards however I don't want to mother him. Anyways the next few days will be very interesting for the both of us as we realize where we stand and where we want to go. Justin gets to decide whether he will continue house hunting or whether he will put that on hold for a while. Meanwhile I'll be there for him and I will support any decision he's going to make. I however, want to make sure I stay happy. I don't let myself become silly in love and forget about what I initially wanted.

Meet the parents!

Today I get to meet Justins Mom. Eeep! I am always kind of nervous when I get the meet the parents. The thought that comforts me now is that I get to meet his Mom... tomorrow Justin gets to meet Mom, Dad, Stephane, Dasha, Grand Maman, Grand Papa, Auntie Nicole and Uncle Raymond. I got it easy :)

Exhale...

And everything will be alright.

The past two days with Justin have been awesome. He held me while I cried about Minette on Wednesday night and had all the patience in the world while I told him over and over again about what happened at the vet. I don't know why but I had to keep replaying the whole thing. I would cry and he would cuddle. It made me feel better but it did not make it go away.
Thursday while he was at work, I did a bit of retail therapy. A new coat, new purse, pretty wool shirt type thing, pyjama pants... etc. Fun stuff but I don't think Justin will leave me in Bellisfair for 5 hours ever again :P It's funny, he such a simple man. I thought I was simple but compared to him I feel like a materialistic whore :) It's ok he seems to put up with it. I love him for it too.
Today we went to Mt. Baker. It was super pretty! There's an other mountain, Mt. Shsomethingsomething was much prettier. I will have photos to post in a couple of days. We found some wild berries and ate them! They were delicious! They turned our tongues purple. They were even more delicious when hikers told us that they were actually wild blueberries and not poisonous like I thought they might be (yeah I ate em aways! They were so yummy!). I would have liked to hike more, however it was getting dark and we met Katie (Justin's roommate) and her father for dinner. Now we're just taking it easy before passing out.
I miss Minette. Every once in a while I think about her and that I will never be able to hold her again. Her familiar smell would never comfort me again... but then I think of what the vet said about animals behaviors when they are suffering. Then I thought of how similar those behaviors were of Minette. She sure was a fighter. I want to send a thank you card to the vet. He was super patient and sensitive to what we were going through. We were fortunate. While he was injecting Minette with the sleepy time solution, he stopped half way through, pet her on the head and then injected the other half of the syringe. Sure it only took half and she was off to dream land. I thought this was a very sensitive gesture. It can't be easy to see families cry over their pets and you're the one to kill them. Anyways I felt fortunate to have the vet we did. He was good and he made the whole process a bit easier (if that was at all possible). Man! Going home will be strange. Already I had to do a double take when I saw my camera bag on my bed... I thought it was Minette. Luckily Justin will be there. Despite all of this going on, I am lucky to have a man like him.

Minette, I love you.

That's it. It's done. Minette is gone. Forever.

We spoke to the vet and he said that things would get much worse and she wouldn't die in her sleep. He was a great vet and didn't say things that way I just don't feel like explaining. Minette is gone. I was glad I went with her. The entire time she did not fight (and she fought like a lion any other time we went to the vet). She looked at me with understanding eyes. We knew it was alright. It was her time to go. We had some time to talk as a family while they went and put the catheter in her leg. We hugged and cried and figures this was what was best for Minette. The vet came back, we pet Minette, said our goodbyes, I sang a little to her. When it was time for her to get the injection, she was on my lap, I looked the other way but held her close. Just like that, life left her. She lay on me limp, lifeless. Her little pink tongue stuck out. It was so cute. I pet her, talk to her and cuddled her for a little while longer. I always found it stupid that people spoke to dead things and here I was, with my little Minette on my lap, talking to her, reminiscing. I lay her on the cold metal table and covered her body with the towel. I was the last one to walk out and I made the mistake of looking back. There she lay, her tongue still sticking out, her eyes half open... she looked peaceful. No longer suffering.
Less then an hour later, I've booked an early ticket to Bham. Gonna see my sweetie. Surprise him maybe... unless he reads this before 7:40... in which case "Hi Sweetie. Surprise! I'll be at your place in a few minutes!" Well time to finish packing for the weekend.

Damn, that was one loved cat. She will be REALLY missed. But I love her and I know that this is what is best for her.

I'm everything I am because you loved me

It's the night before the big day and I find myself in the kitchen, cooking with my sweet Minette sleeping under a chair in the kitchen. I sing along to some music to lighten my spirits and a song comes on: Because you loved me by Celine Dion (Yes, I sing along to Celine Dion, yes I know all the words and have most of the CD's... you caught me :P ). After singing the first couple of verses, I stop what I am doing and burst into tears.
Through blurred eyes I look at Minette and sing the rest of the song in a quiet quivering voice. I sing it to her because for the past 11 years she has been my constant support, the one that I have loved unconditionally and has loved me back no matter what.
I have decided that tomorrow I am going to the vet with her. I want to talk to the vet myself so that I can hear it from them. That way I will know I did the right thing no matter what. It'll be interesting to see what the next 24 hours bring.

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me